Topic: Entertainment of the day

[oldcoastie6468]

A student asked his English professor, “How would you define a dilemma?"

The professor responded, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate the answer to that question."

Just imagine that you're laying in a really big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side of you, and a gay naked man on the other."

Which one are you going to turn your back on?"

 

[oldcoastie6468]

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?".
 
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!".

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?".

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull S***."

[Libertas]

Too many shadows being sighted.  That's it, that sun has to go! 

[oldcoastie6468]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
 
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
 
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.
 
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
 
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
 
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?
 
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

[oldcoastie6468]

A 'Conservative', in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The 'Conservative' looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the 'Conservative' requested that she give Jesus a cup of hot chocolate, on him.

The next patron to come in was a 'Obama' supporter, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the 'Obama' supporter asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a 'Labor Boss' on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold beer?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
 
The waitress nodded, so the 'Labor Boss'  directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the 'Conservative', touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." 'The 'Conservative' felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the 'Obama' supporter, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Obama' supporter felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the 'Labor Boss', just smiling. The 'Labor Boss' jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on a disability pension!"

[oldcoastie6468]

                                                           


Dog For Sale OR free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug pushers,  thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schytt.

[Libertas]

 

Good Doggie!

I suspect there is plenty of libiots to gnaw on!

 

Dinner time!!!

 

 

[Pandora]

                                                           


Dog For Sale OR free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug pushers,  thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schytt.

 

[Pandora]

Is This The Most Creative BMX Bike Rider On Earth?

http://theborderlinesociopathicblogforboys.blogspot.com/2014/02/noble-savage.html

It's very simple. If these sorts of shenanigans annoy you, there's a cure. Saying, "Kids these days," is not going to cut any ice. Calling the cops doesn't work; these are human jackrabbits. Putting up chainlink fences to keep them out just expands the menu of near-crash stunts they can conjure up.

We could, you know, stop making every urban and suburban area into a dystopian concrete and pavement nightmare. If it wasn't for graffiti and roadrash smears from skateboarding and BMX-riding stunts gone bad, there'd be no evidence of human life anywhere.

[Thanks to Gerard at American Digest for sending that one along. I hear he's got a BB gun for just such occasions] 

[oldcoastie6468]

President Obama walked into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" 

Cashier: 
"It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?"

Obama: 
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!"

Cashier: 
"Yes sir, I know who  you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of  impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I  must insist on seeing your ID.

Obama: 
"Just ask anyone here  at the bank who I am and they will tell you.  Everybody knows who I am." 

Cashier: 
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: 
"I order you to cash  this check!"

Cashier: 
"Look Mr. President,  here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into  the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and  made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him  to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
 
Another time, Andre  Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a  fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup.  With that shot  we cashed his check.
 
So, Mr. President,  what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stands there  thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing.  I don't have a clue what to do.

Cashier: 
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

[rustybayonet]

Obama stands there  thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing.  I don't have a clue what to do.

Truer words were never spoken; especially by him.

[oldcoastie6468]

Military Reunions with Man's Best Friend: Dogs Welcoming Home Their Owners from Deployment

Cat Welcomes Home Her Military Mom From Deployment

[Libertas]

Jeez those hounds are loud. 

Hope those tongues are clean!   

[Pandora]

Brian Williams Raps "Rapper's Delight"

In which Jimmy Fallon reminds America that it isn’t Jay Leno’s show anymore.

[rustybayonet]

[oldcoastie6468]

Saint Pelosi?


Sunday mass --

Last  Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C, an aide to Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be  attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's  views.

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the  congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
 
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As  Pelosi's  aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Pelosi was  present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Congresswoman Pelosi's  presence is  probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite persons.

Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
 
"Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is  also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I  must say, Nancy Pelosi  is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She  married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both  In Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."

[oldcoastie6468]

Gun Control. It has already started at Cabela's.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

In my opinion, they need to make their instructions to their older customers a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad...

[oldcoastie6468]

What a Deal!....I won a Kenyan Lottery according to an email received from a Nigerian prince; he holds a MILLION DOLLARS and he wants to send it to me FREE!

And all I have to do is give him all my bank account numbers so he can transfer the money!

And then I got ANOTHER email; It too is from a KENYAN prince, and he wants to give me FREE healthcare for life!

…and all I have to do is give him all my bank account numbers, MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER  and  MY CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH INFORMATION so he can make it happen!

Am I lucky, or what?

[oldcoastie6468]

A man received a text message from his neighbor... :
 
"Joe - I'm truly sorry about this, but I have a confession to make. I am texting you, because I would be uncomfortable looking you in the eye."
 
"I am using your wife day and night, whenever you are not home to see. I am probably enjoying your wife more than you. Since I got laid off last month, it has become easier and easier. I feel I have been shameless."
 
"I am confessing this because now I feel guilty about it, and because I am afraid my children will find out I am cheating. I have always tried to teach them the value of character, and I have let everyone down."
 
"Please accept my sincere apologies. I can't undo what's been done, but I promise to restrain myself in the future.  Please don't say anything to the kids.


Sincerely, Bob"
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A few minutes later, while Joe was in a heated discussion with his wife, he received another message from Bob.

"Hey Joe -  that danged AT&T spell-check auto-correct messed up again.... I  meant 'wifi,' not 'wife'!"

[oldcoastie6468]

Received in an email:

Evolution in a nut shell...

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
 
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
 
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
 
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
 
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.
 
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
 
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
 
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democrat Party voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
 
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
 
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish and like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
 
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.

Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
 
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
 
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
 
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
 
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
 
And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self...

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

I'm going to have another beer.