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JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDYWelcome to Springfield and the 1858 debate for the United States Senate seat from the great state of Illinois, brought to you by the Sangamon County Picayune-Gazetteer. We have a full agenda of issues to discuss so let us proceed directly to the introductions. Our debate participants tonight, from left to right, are incumbent Senator Stephen A. Douglas [applause], Republican candidate Abraham Lincoln [applause], Whig candidate Eli T. Quincy [applause], Barrelhooper candidate Jehosephat V. McPherson [applause], Monarchist party candidate Nimrod B. Trump [applause], Armageddonite party candidate Cassius Vandersnatch [applause], Tobaccocrat K. Balthazaar Cruddup [applause], Oxen Droverist Zebedee Z. Zwinglehammer [applause], Anti-Papist party candidate Epaphrus Yokum [applause], Jahaziel Paul of the Pewter Standard party [applause], Sangamon County Fair champion dairy cow Bossie [applause], and Springfield's beloved town drunk Whiskey Pete [applause].And I am Jebedaiah Burgundy, editor and columnist of the Sangamon County Picayune-Gazetteer. Remember, read the Picayune-Gazetteer for all the latest comings and goings of Springfield and surrounding townships. As moderator and timekeeper of this evening's debate I will remind our participants of the ground rules. I will address a question to you, following which you will have 30 seconds to respond. Following your response, the other candidates will have 10 seconds to rebut. If you surpass your allotted time, I will alert you by depressing the bellows of this claxon...CLAXONPHREEEEOOOPJEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY...following which you will be asked to cease. I will remind our participants that interruptions shall not be brooked, and that they will refrain from using their spittoons and snuffboxes while their opponents are speaking. I will also ask our audience to refrain from catcalls, vegetable throwing, huzzahs, demonstrations, or remonstrations of any kind during our program. Please remain in your seats until the end, for one lucky member of our audience will win a free five year subscription to the Picayune-Gazetteer, a one dollar value. The Picayune-Gazetteer, the swine trader's friend. The order of tonight's questions have been selected at random, so let us proceed to the issues. My first question is for Bossie the milkcow. In what way does your blue ribbon prize prepare you for the Senate?BOSSIEmmmmooaaahhJEBEDAIAH BURGUNDYThank you. Cassius Vandersnatch, your rebuttal.CASSIUS VANDERSNATCHJebedaiah, as it is written in Revelations, "woe unto man, for theirs will be a great tribulation wheneth the beasts of the fields shall enter the temple, and..."CLAXONPHREEEEOOOPJEBEDAIAH BURGUNDYSenator Douglas?STEPHEN A. DOUGLASI must agree with my esteemed opponent Mr. Vandersnatch. It is too early for bovine suffrage.JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDYZebedee Z. Zwinglehammer?ZEBEDEE Z. ZWINGLEHAMMERWhy, that scrawny heifer? Why she could hardly tote a conestoga up a hill, let alone a creek bed. The senate is a job for oxen!JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDYWhiskey Pete?WHISKEY PETEShe ain't got no cloven hooves. Consarnit, if that's good enough fer Moses it's good enough fer me! JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDYLet me now switch to another topic on the minds of Springfieldians. As you all know, the cost of barrels has shot up recently, with local coopers now charging as much as six bits. What will you do to help keep salt storage affordable for average citizens? Jehosephat V. McPherson.JEHOSEPHAT V. MCPHERSONI'm glad you asked that question, Jebedaiah. As a barrelhooper myself, I recognize that the dream of barrel ownership is escaping the average Springfieldian. That is why I am proposing a barrel stimulus program to provide universal barrel ownership to...CLAXONPHREEEEOOOPJEBEDAIAH BURGUNDYJahaziel Paul, your rebuttal.JAHAZIEL PAULWe warn't have all this barrel crisis iff'n these damned cooper-men just woulda stuck with the pewter standard! Pewter bands, saith I!CLAXONPHREEEEOOOP
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Topic: It's Debatable (Read 603 times)
