Topic: "The Bitch"

[Pandora]

They didn’t want to turn her on but they did. I never want to turn her on but I do. After they had turned her on for awhile they grew tired of listening to her. After listening to her for even ten seconds I’m enraged by her. Somewhere along the long road to their duck hunting camp they named her “The Bitch” and turned her off. At random points on any road I drive I want to throw “The Bitch” out the window and run over her until she’s nothing but a flat black splotch on the asphalt.

“The Bitch” has her uses. She’s helped me find my way to unknown destinations and out of places where I’m hopelessly lost. It doesn’t matter. I hate the very thought of her. She’s the worst nag since Eve made Adam slap on the fig leaf and remarked on how small it was. She’s Lilith and Delilah and the “What-ever Girl.” She’s the most passive-aggressive talker since the last speech by Barack Obama. She’s “The Bitch.”

It’s not what "The Bitch" does and doesn’t do but the voice of "The Bitch" that instantly sets my teeth on fire. It’s so pale and distantly grating that it draws me into a conversation even though I’ve got nothing to say to "The Bitch" and she isn’t listening.

“In sixth tenths of a mile, turn right on Mac Graw Av-en-you.”

“Got it.”

“In two tenths of a mile turn right on Mac Graw Av-en-you.”

“I said I’ve got it.”

“Turn right on Mac Graw Av-en-you.”

“Shut up. Just SHUT UP! I GOT IT. I GOT IT! Here, just to show you I’ll turn LEFT on ‘Mac Graw Av-en-you,’ bitch.”

And I turn left just to spite her and get about ten yards up the street when I hear her say the one thing that makes me want to strangle her with her charging cord:

“Re-cal-que-lating….”

Recalculating? sh*t. Here it comes….

“In two tenths of a mile turn left on Harper and then turn left to Queen Anne Av-en-you… In sixth tenths of a mile, turn right on Mac Graw Av-en-you….”

Nag, nag, nag…. Short of pulling the plug nothing, but nothing, will shut “The Bitch” up. I don’t know what sort of market research came up with the voice of “The Bitch” as the optimum voice for a GPS unit, but I suspect knew what they were doing all along. They were looking for the optimum voice that would drive men out of their minds. And they succeeded. Sadists.

For added insanity, try handing the bitch to a woman who's driving with you and have her tell you what “The Bitch” is saying at the same time “The Bitch” is saying it. No jury of 12 men would convict.

And don't tell me to reset “The Bitch” to that English Accent choice. She's just bitchier with the bright tang of British smarm smeared on top. She's “The Brit Bitch.”

I hate “The Bitch.” I hate her every time I hear her say “Re-cal-que-lating….” I’ve been known to set her destination to “Home,” and then get on the freeway and drive fifty miles in the other direction… just to hear her ever more passive-aggressive and faintly irritated plaint of “Re-cal-que-lating….” every time I pass an off-ramp.

She’s “The Bitch” now and forever. No other female voice can even hope to come close to her voice. It is seared, SEARED, into my memory.

One of these days I’m going to take a very long drive into the heart of Death Valley and dump her. I’d do it today if I didn’t need her so much.

ExACTly!!  OMG, I can't believe he stole that -- especially the "re-cal-que-lating" -- right out of my head!

And I already dumped The Bitch after one use back into the box in the closet.

http://americandigest.org/mt-archives/american_studies/the_bitch.php

[charlesoakwood]

It's cheap and neat. especially it you know how to fold it, not only that but knowledge of the surrounding area (situational awareness) you are traveling is increased.  If you keep a pencil handy it is possible to amend it and insert missed or correct cartographical errors.  What fun!

Never had one and don't want one, they are an insult.

[trapeze]

Hmm... I like mine a lot.

But then driving is part of my work and anything that makes me more efficient is welcome. When I travel to a city it saves me a lot of time finding places in unfamiliar territory during rush hour. It allows me to concentrate on traffic rather than wondering when the correct exit is coming up.

I guess it's all about what's important to you.

[IronDioPriest]

I like mine too. I never had any trouble navigating around with a map and some forethought, but as a handy gadget that saves a little time, I've got no issues. But I also have a fascination with maps. I'll not forsake one for the other.

ETA: You can turn the volume down or off.

[John Florida]

It's cheap and neat. especially it you know how to fold it, not only that but knowledge of the surrounding area (situational awareness) you are traveling is increased.  If you keep a pencil handy it is possible to amend it and insert missed or correct cartographical errors.  What fun!

Never had one and don't want one, they are an insult.

 Rand McNally books never leave home without one.I don't like the voice telling me what to do.

[charlesoakwood]

It's cheap and neat. especially it you know how to fold it, not only that but knowledge of the surrounding area (situational awareness) you are traveling is increased.  If you keep a pencil handy it is possible to amend it and insert missed or correct cartographical errors.  What fun!

Never had one and don't want one, they are an insult.

 Rand McNally books never leave home without one.I don't like the voice telling me what to do.

 

[Alphabet Soup]

Pshaw.

Imagine having The Jewish Matriarch as your GPS voice:

"I told you that you're going too fast!"
"You'll miss your turn!"
"Did you turn your blinkers on?!"
"No, I said 2-tenths of a mile. Now you've missed the exit!"
"You look a little stressed - did you get a good night's sleep like I told you?"
"Did you turn your blinkers off?!"
"Oh sure - go ahead and turn the radio on and ignore your poor old GPS"

"I saw you looking at that Tom-Tom!"

[John Florida]

Pshaw.

Imagine having The Jewish Matriarch as your GPS voice:

"I told you that you're going too fast!"
"You'll miss your turn!"
"Did you turn your blinkers on?!"
"No, I said 2-tenths of a mile. Now you've missed the exit!"
"You look a little stressed - did you get a good night's sleep like I told you?"
"Did you turn your blinkers off?!"
"Oh sure - go ahead and turn the radio on and ignore your poor old GPS"

"I saw you looking at that Tom-Tom!"

 Please my mother used to name every traffic sign we came to. I see a reeed liiiight up there,is that a Stooop sign. I wanted to just run the car into a bridge.