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Offline Pandora

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Classic insults
« on: February 17, 2012, 04:45:04 PM »
Swiped these from bonz; most of them are goood, some are very goood, and a few are excellent ....

Quote
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second …. if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
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"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." - Mark Twain

"Let us assume for the moment everything you say about me is true. That just makes your problem bigger, doesn't it?"

Offline IronDioPriest

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Re: Classic insults
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2012, 05:14:09 PM »
Winston Churchill & Mark Twain are my favorite insulters. Don Rickles also gets a mention.
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"A strict observance of the written laws is doubtless one of the high duties of a good citizen, but it is not the highest. The laws of necessity, of self-preservation, of saving our country when in danger, are of higher obligation. To lose our country by a scrupulous adherence to written law, would be to lose the law itself, with life, liberty, property and all those who are enjoying them with us; thus absurdly sacrificing the end to the means."

- Thomas Jefferson

Offline Sectionhand

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Re: Classic insults
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2012, 04:10:48 AM »
On Field Marshal Montgomery ; " Magnificent in defeat ... Insufferable in victory ," - Winston Churchill
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Offline Pandora

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Re: Classic insults
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2012, 10:00:45 AM »
Lady Astor:  "Winston, if you were my husband I'd poison your tea."

Churchill:  "If you were my wife I'd drink it."
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"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." - Mark Twain

"Let us assume for the moment everything you say about me is true. That just makes your problem bigger, doesn't it?"

Offline Glock32

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Re: Classic insults
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2012, 11:30:50 AM »
The Brits are hard to top with wry insults.  Here is a list of actual comments written on performance appraisals in the Royal Navy and Marines:

Quote
The British Military writes EPR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

http://www.comedycorner.org/3.html
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Offline Libertas

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Re: Classic insults
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2012, 11:41:02 AM »
IDP just had to invoke the name of Don Rickles...sent me down memory lane...

Carson could have some good one-liners too...

Anybody remember this?

Don Rickles on the Tonight Show
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Offline PatriotGal2257

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Re: Classic insults
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2012, 06:24:54 PM »
This is one of my favorites:

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." — Agatha Christie


And these are attributed to Frank Zappa, who I believe stayed away from identifying with any political party; these sound conservative as hell, though:

"Communism will never work in America because people like to own stuff."

"There is more stupidity in the world than hydrogen, and it has a longer shelf life."

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Offline IronDioPriest

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Re: Classic insults
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2012, 06:29:59 PM »
Zappa's one of those guys who it seems to me might have ended up on the right side of things.
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"A strict observance of the written laws is doubtless one of the high duties of a good citizen, but it is not the highest. The laws of necessity, of self-preservation, of saving our country when in danger, are of higher obligation. To lose our country by a scrupulous adherence to written law, would be to lose the law itself, with life, liberty, property and all those who are enjoying them with us; thus absurdly sacrificing the end to the means."

- Thomas Jefferson

Offline Sectionhand

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Re: Classic insults
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2012, 01:56:32 PM »
After Rex Harrison insulted an old lady who asked for his autograph she whacked him across the face with her program . Stanley Holloway , who was Harrison's co-star and witnessed the exchange said ; " Rex , I think that's the first time in history that the fan hit the sh*t ! "
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