Topic: You MIGHT be a Democrat if....

[oldcoastie6468]

You Might Be A Democrat If...

You own something that says, "Dukakis for President," and still display it.

You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.

You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.

You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.

You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.

You've never been mugged.

You actually expect to collect Social Security.

You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.

You think the Great Society has actually worked.

You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.

You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."

You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.

Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.

You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.

Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."

You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.

You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.

You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.

You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.

You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.

You know at least one Vegan.

You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.

You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.

You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.

You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.

You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.

You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.

You actually think that poverty can be abolished.

You think that Joan Baez had something to say.

You admire the Swedish welfare system.

You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."

You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%.

You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.

After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokedemocrat.htm

[AlanS]

You could probably add: Obama just needs to get his message across to people.

[rustybayonet]

You Might Be A Democrat If...

You own something that says, "Dukakis for President," and still display it.
Heard the last one fell off when the bumper of a VW bus rusted.
You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
The phone in the south was disconnected by the KKK
You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.  All the trees in NYC have been chopped down for firewood, so it's flown south to friendlier and warmer places.
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
Then you ran for your life, because you were at a stockholders meeting
You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
Good thing you can only count to ONE
You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
According to the 1872 issue of 'Free the Illegal Immigrants".
You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
Replace the word 'foreign' with ANY
You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
Until he went to work at GM as a spokesman for Corvair
You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
You already knew she was an airhead traitor that for good looking LBJ
You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
But you are working on a bill to tax the sun just in case
You've never been mugged.
I have to - they took my picture at jail last week.[/color]
You actually expect to collect Social Security.
Why not doesn't collecting welfare for the last 4 years count?
You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
He would have fit right in with the peoples party
You think the Great Society has actually worked.
Of course, and LBJ still votes
You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
What, Where,When,Why
You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
Ya, and they ran out of free kleenex
You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
isn't it, what's that under my mattress then
Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
Because I waiting for government assistance, that was promised
You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
The Kennedy's 
Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
Should read 'screw people'
You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
Well
You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
Last time he was up there, some rabbit tried to push him off
You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
The midget in the ambulance they chased; sorry height deprived
You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.Have to save the party some way
You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
The truth, the whole truth - just ask them
You know at least one Vegan.
Yep - they voted four times last election, before the football game
You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it
You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
Ha Ha - I have beef and chicken stock
You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
Those Arizona sheriffs tent would be really swell in San Fransisco
You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
They live in the tents above waiting for a comeback
You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
It's in the VW bus
You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
Of course - look how many times he changed under the knife
You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
Abolished? The way of the future, is now
You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
She changed her name - shhh--- it's oprah
You admire the Swedish welfare system.
Why not it works so well
You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
Our hero - and don't forget Jimmy Carter
You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%.
Except for the in crowd
You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
I can't play that instrument
After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."
I didn't know they give those for welfare

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokedemocrat.htm

  Wheww ;Fixed and brought up to date

[oldcoastie6468]

Add: You think Moby Dick is a venereal disease.

[Weisshaupt]

You might be a Lefty if:

• You think Vietnam Veterans are "baby killers", Big tobacco targets children, and there should be no death penalty, but believe women should be allowed to abort their children on demand with no restrictions.
• You think the environment should be protected for animals and their unborn children, that it is wrong to eat animals, fish, or eggs, that trees have feelings, that animals can conceptualize, and that human the fetus is an unthinking, unfeeling blob of protoplasm.
• You think that if Roe VS. Wade were overturned, abortion would automatically become illegal in the United States.
• You think that a refusal to provide government funding for research involving Stem-Cells harvested after a certain date, in deference to conscientious objectors to the practice, constitutes a complete ban on stem-cell research
• You think that taxpayers should be forced to pay for government programs they find immoral or go against their beliefs, but are outraged by Faith-based government initiatives that fund organizations whose beliefs go against yours.
• You believe morality shouldn’t be legislated, but support laws and policies that enforce your moral beliefs regarding Gay Marriage, Abortion, poverty and equality.
• You believe that it is inhumane to use a feeding tube to force feed a duck to produce foie gras, but perfectly humane to remove a feeding tube from a human that will die of starvation without it.
• You think that men have no business drafting abortion laws, but that people who have never held a gun are the best ones to write firearms legislation.
• You think that if someone is getting richer, someone, somewhere, must be getting poorer, because the amount of wealth on the planet is constant, and therefore cavemen lived better than anyone else because there were so few of them
• You live in constant fear that someone, somewhere, is making a profit.
• You think that age, training, education, profession, years of experience, geographical location, criminal history, inter-personal skills and work ethics have no bearing on income, and therefore believe that discrepancies in income can only come about as a result of discrimination based on gender and/or race.
• You believe the difference between the richest person and the poorest person in a society is a good indicator of how wealth is actually distributed and factors such as the average age, years of education, the number of hours worked, the number of workers per household, as well as the actual numbers of people in each income bracket, and the migration of individuals from bracket to bracket as they age are irrelevant to the discussion.
• You believe there is no difference between wealth and income, and therefore want to tax anyone with a high income (even if its for just one year) as wealthy.
• You believe that tax cuts for the rich are unfair because poor people deserve to get more back in income taxes than they pay.
• You believe a cut in tax rates automatically  means the government collects less money in taxes
• You believe a cut in government spending means the government will spend less next year than it did this year[
• You believe what a person can afford is based on how much money the person could spend if they had no limits on income
• You believe that rich people should not be allowed to contribute so much money to candidates for office (except for George Soros).
• You believe that people should be forced to contribute to charity via government, and distain voluntarily charity that may have a religious motive behind it.
• You believe that monopolies that produce products should be illegal or regulated, but monopolies on certain types of labor (Unions) should not be.
• You think that raising taxes and closing tax loopholes will automatically reduce the budget deficit.
• You wish that everyone’s paycheck was paid directly to the government because people always spend their own money foolishly. .
• You believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
• You believe that "live and let live" is a philosophy that unfairly allows others to impose their views on you (namely the view that other people are not collective property owned by the society)
• You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every kind of activity except for buying and selling goods in an open market.
• You think AIDS is spread by insufficient government funding.
• You think wanting to keep what you earned through voluntary transactions with others is greedy, but wanting to use Government power to take what isn't yours  is Noble.
• You think Prices are the same thing as Costs, and that setting prices at an arbitrary level will make things cost less, and therefore support this approach to create a living wage, affordable housing, affordable drugs and affordable health care.
• You are consistently surprised  and blame greedy businesses  when Government price fixing results in shortages, black markets and a degradation in standards and quality
• You think the stock market is too risky to put retirement money into, but that a mandatory, government -run pyramid scheme, from which the government routinely borrows money using the incomes of future taxpayers as collateral, is a safe investment strategy
• You speak out on the "evils of corporate America" but spend a great deal of your time at Starbucks reading you ipad
• You think that the only reason Socialism/Communism hasn’t worked is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
• You think that selling what people want, in order to get what you want is called “greed”
• You think that everyone should have a choice about who they will work for, but employers should not have a choice about who they will hire.
• You think that everyone has a right to respect , but deny that they  also have a right to their own opinions.
• You think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling, and that would-be criminals are deterred by long delays in the justice system, inconsistent sentencing, and the threat of parole.
• You think War and torture  are wrong, running gun to terrorists and drug lords is despicable, 6% unemployment is unacceptable, Violations of the 4th amendment impeachable, and use the IRS to persecute political enemies an abuse of power, but  only when there is a Republican in the White House
• You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse.
• You believe that whenever there is violence, the weapon used to execute that violence is at fault and not the person who wielded it.
• You believe that gun-control  laws will deter criminals who do not follow laws from obtaining guns and using them against an unarmed, law-abiding citizenry.
• You think that laws will make people living in a crack house put a trigger lock on a stolen gun
• You believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear or biological weapons in the hands of the Chinese, Koreans, Iran…
• You believe that dialing 911 is the best defense against someone bent on raping or murdering you.
• You believe that the police responding to a 911 call shouldn’t have a gun either.
• You believe that nine unelected judges should have the ability to change the social compact our nation was founded on at will, according to their personal perceptions of what society wants or needs, and that this is in accordance with the principle of Government of the people, by the people and for the people.
• You believe it was wrong of Justice Moore to use his public office to block the legal removal of the ten commandments from the State Court House in Alabama, but you think its perfectly fine that Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco used his public office to grant illegal Gay Marriage licenses.
• You believe it is fine to disregard regulations for vote counting mandated by Florida State law in order to substitute a different, subjective procedure only in counties where the Democratic candidate has a Statistical advantage, but demand strict adherence to those same laws when it pertains military ballots that arrive without a proper postmark from a constituency that offers the Republican candidate a statistical advantage.
• You believe an election in which one candidate won 100%  was conducted fairly
• You vote for revenge
• You vote at least twice in every election because there is nothing wrong with voter fraud as long as you don't get caught
• You think that the phrase “separation of church and state” is in the Constitution.
• You think the First Amendment guarantees freedom from exposure to religious thoughts, ideas or images
• You think the atheism is a religious belief protected under the first amendment, but that imposing atheism via a ban on religious expression in public is okay because Atheism is not a religion.
• You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, Prayer and religious materials should be banned from public schools, but that anyone objecting to pornography “only has to look the other way.”
• You think that Human Rights are legally guaranteed benefits that are provided to some at the expense of others via a system of Government slavery, and that is a good thing
• You want to outlaw cigarettes and legalize marijuana
• You think Joseph McCarthy was paranoid and threatened American freedoms, but that University speech codes and politically correct polices that assume guilt and require proof of innocence, like sexual harassment and discrimination, don’t .
• You see cartoons and articles condemning religions (except Islam)  as protected under the 1st Amendment, but think the cartoon B.C. should be banned because of its occasional religious content.
• You believe that any negative opinion of a group (African Americans, Women, Homosexuals) is the result of ignorance and prejudice, and feel it is appropriate to be prejudiced against anyone who has such opinions
• You believe censorship of pornography, art or ideas is wrong except when religion, western culture or conservative ideas are being censored.
• you believe that the press would never lie to you, because a whistleblower would call them on it, but if someone says that the press is lying, they are a “right-wing nut.”
• You believe it was evil when Hitler gained political power by convincing Germans that their plight was the fault of the Jews, but applaud Jessie Jackson for doing the same thing with African Americans and Caucasians, and Obama  with the rich and poor.
• You believe that standardized tests are racist because other races score better than African-Americans, but when African-Americans out-score other races in Professional Basketball you call it skill.
• You believe that that fairness can mean that the rules for everyone are the same, that everyone has an equal opportunity for success, and that all people end up the same result, all at the same time.
• You believe that the government should make a special effort to hire members of traditionally oppressed groups, such as African-Americans (except for Clarence Thomas, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice).
• You feel a deep sense of common cause with oppressed groups, such as Hispanic immigrants (except for Cuban Americans fleeing Castro).
• You deplore prejudice and bigotry in all its forms, but think that everyone in the “red states” is an idiot.
• You think only white people can be racist and slavery only occurred in the United States
• You believe a white man should not benefit from the color of his skin, but that EVERYONE ELSE should.
• You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure
• You think homophobia is a far worse evil for society than allowing AIDS to spread, and therefore promote legislation that makes it difficult to track or warn others that they are in contact with a person who is wantonly spreading the disease.
• You think that the only acceptable hate crimes are Male or Christian bashing.
• You think it takes a village to raise a child, but resent it when that village tries to set and enforce standards of behavior on you.
• You believe all cultures are equal, but lament the poor treatment women get in Muslim countries and the sorry state of human rights world-wide
• You believe that immigrants to the United States are fooled by greedy capitalists into risking their lives crossing oceans and deserts only to become part of poverty-stricken , exploited masses, and they would be better off staying home, while simultaneously claiming the Illegal aliens who cross our boarder and broke our laws have ea right to do so because they are oppressed
• You believe Kwanzaa is an "African" holiday
• You believe the principle of diversity is only followed when there is an active exclusion and persecution  of white culture
• You think illegal immigrants should be able to attend State Colleges for in-state tuition, and using government scholarships, but American citizens from other states should have to pay Out-of-State tuition.
• You believe that a woman should make it on her own, without depending on her husband (except for Hillary Clinton) and that she can take care of herself ( but can't buy her own condoms
• You believe that professional, working women should never be judged on their appearance (except for Katherine Harris and Sarah Palin
• You think making jokes about Raping a woman and making her each sh*t are funny, if the woman involved is a Republican
• You think Anita Hill is a victim and a heroine fighting rampant sexual harassment, that that date rape pervasive, domestic violence is common and that Paula Jones is a lying bimbo.
• You think its sexual harassment when a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiving oral sex from an Intern is just fine.
• You get mad when rape victims' sexual history is plastered all over the news media, but think Paula Jones' sexual history "must be made public."
• You believe that commercials where women are portrayed as stupid are sexist, but commercials where men are portrayed as stupid are funny
• You uphold a woman’s right to choose, unless a woman chooses adoption, chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, or chooses to home-school.
• You believe that physical standards for jobs in the Police, military and Firefighting forces should be lowered for women, that different standards are fair because they are enacted in the name of equality, and believe that these lower standards will not affect the performance of these organizations.
• You believe that Western progress is destroying the Earth by causing global cooling -- or warming – or maybe both.
• You believe that Carbon-Dioxide is a pollutant and can't even name the gas that the IPCC claims causes a run-away positive feedback to produce Catastrophic Global Warming
• You believe that a consensus of experts is proof of global warming (just as a consensus of experts once agreed the sun orbited the earth) and have never heard of the fallacies of appeal to popularity and appeal to authority
• You think Scientific theory  is validated by the popularity of the theory and not by hard data and experiments
• You support open space laws, height restrictions, zoning restrictions, density restrictions, and environmental protection laws which create legal barriers and delays in getting building permits, and then lament the lack of affordable housing, increased traffic and pollution, and the lower quality of life created by long commutes.
• You think Marriage is about love, and children are an inconvenient side-effect whose care should be provided for by the government, Hillary Clinton, and her Village.
• You think marriage is obsolete and outdated, but feel it is urgent need for homosexuals.
• You think denying Same-Sex Marriage to homosexuals is a violation of their civil rights, because Heterosexuals can have same-sex marriages.
• Your idea of “family values” was sending Elian Gonzalez back to the a Cuban re-education camp, because his daddy is a prisoner there, too
• You think that a teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution".
• If you believe that posting the "Ten Commandments" in schools will hurt the children, but teaching S&M practices in sexual education will not.
• You think streotyping makes "West Side Story" inappropriate material for High School, but the "Vagina Monologues" has a message every teenager should hear.
• You think that protecting a Public School Teacher’s job is more important than allowing poor parents a choice about where their child gets an education (just like rich people have)
• You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution, multiculturalism are values-neutral and drawing a gun or wearing an American Flag are grounds for expulsion
• You think it is more important to be friends with your kids than to establish a framework of discipline and rules.
• You believe that Christianity should be banned because it has been used to justify wars, but are you against the profiling of Muslims.
• You believe that it is against the Geneva Convention to immediately execute a non-uniformed enemy as a spy.
• You believe that society, rather than the individuals involved, should decide how much to work for, when, where and how you will get medical attention or an education, who you can associate with, of what race and in what percentages, what is appropriate speech and if you can openly display a religious belief, but you don't consider yourself an advocate of  totalitarianism
• You think fascism is an extremism of the right, don't know the Nazi's were a National Socialist party.
• You believe that Republicans want to destroy the livelihoods of the elderly who depend on Social Security, ruin the environment, destroy the public schools, harm the poor, and turn back the clock to a time when blacks did not have civil rights.
• You believe that anyone who disagrees with you must be evil, racist, bigoted, sexist, homophobic, or stupid because that is the ONLY explanation  you can think of and it allows you to immediately dismiss anything they say to you as "lies"
• You think Ralph Nader cares about consumers, Unions care about their members, the ACLU cares about civil liberties, the National Education Association cares about education, the People for the American Way care about the American way, and if the problems they purport to fight ceased to exist they would disband because they were no longer needed.
• You think facts are subjective- and that everyone possesses their own truth
• If your plan fails you blame the people who rooted against you, because reality  is decided by a vote
• You blame your lack of achievement on others and believe you are a victim in order to avoid personal responsibility for your own life
• You believe that Michael Moore is intellectually honest.
• You believe that character assassination and name calling are valid arguments and anecdotal evidence is proof of prevalence.
• You believe everyone should be free to choose their own beliefs and path in life, but then consistently support policies and laws that enlarge the government and remove choices from individuals
• You believe teachers, journalists and judges should use their positions to engage in  social engineering programs and educate people about what they should believe, do and feel.
• You feel that objectivity is impossible and if it weren't it would be undesirable
• You don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won't do the “right” thing.
• You agree with Harry Reid and  believe that an action taken by someone under duress and  threat of force is voluntary and therefore  paying your taxes is a voluntary action
• You believe you are a compassionate and enlighted "person of the people", and don't see your assumed superiority and will to rule as wrong in any way
• You believe "Public Servants" actually serve the public.
• You believe that everyone who voted for Bush was an idiot whose vote shouldn't count because they are uneducated morons, but abhor the thought that anyone who was too stupid to use a butterfly ballot would not have their vote counted.
• You don’t see the irony in, nor understand the contradictory nature, of any of these statements

[Libertas]

You are a Lefty if you...

...disagree with common sense, the Constitution and our Founding Principles.

(I like to keep it simple!)

[Weisshaupt]

You are a Lefty if you...

...disagree with common sense, the Constitution and our Founding Principles.

(I like to keep it simple!)

Quite.

Think you are wiser than everyone else and believe yourself to be an American but disagree with common sense, the Constitution and our Founding Principles,

Simply disagreeing doesn't cut it. You really have to point out their smug arrogance in their contradictory thinking. I am pretty sure I am going after the ones with that smirk on their face first.

[Libertas]

You are a Lefty if you...

...disagree with common sense, the Constitution and our Founding Principles.

(I like to keep it simple!)

Quite.

Think you are wiser than everyone else and believe yourself to be an American but disagree with common sense, the Constitution and our Founding Principles,

Simply disagreeing doesn't cut it. You really have to point out their smug arrogance in their contradictory thinking. I am pretty sure I am going after the ones with that smirk on their face first.

Hear, hear!!!   

[Glock32]

• If you've ever used the word "journal" as a verb