It's About Liberty: A Conservative Forum
Topics => General Board => Topic started by: KittenClaws on December 20, 2013, 10:50:03 PM
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Unless the admin changes it, the title contains the exact words a friend of mine said to me nearly twenty years ago. I was trying on one of the latest styles and asked her opinion. She gave it truthfully.
Yes. It was hard to hear. I really wanted that outfit. But she was right. I knew my butt looked big, but I wanted to hear it didn't. But it did. Since then, I have heard her words every time I have entered a dressing room. Not that my butt is big, ok? But, do I look how I want to look or how I really look?
So here is the OP.
If the person you believe is your true friend tells you a truth you do not wish to hear; perhaps a truth larger than clothing that enhances your buttocks, do you take this under serious advisement or lose the friend?
Can your friendship survive truth?
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It can, but it depends on the delivery.
"Look, I know you like this _________, the color is good on you, but it's not as flattering as it could be. Let's find something else".
With one of my friends I could say, "Oh hell no; that's horrible, get it off". With some of my others, more tact (see above) is required. I guess the question is, how well do you and your friend know each other and can you be blunt?
If not, hard truth is not optional but pussyfootin' may be. ;)
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Sometimes the truth can hurt. But a non-truth can do a lasting hurt.
I'll go with telling the truth any time. Or hearing it.
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This conundrum perfectly illustrates the difference between men and women. A woman will always ask a friend or spouse if something looks good on them.
A man couldn't care less.
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This conundrum perfectly illustrates the difference between men and women. A woman will always ask a friend or spouse if something looks good on them.
A man couldn't care less.
BigAlSouth speaks the truth! ::thumbsup::
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And see, he's still our friend!
But yeah, truth and tact are hallmarks of friendship I think
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First off, I'd never tell any lady that her butt looks big. I would, however, tell her that her butt looks fantastic! ::devil::
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This conundrum perfectly illustrates the difference between men and women. A woman will always ask a friend or spouse if something looks good on them.
A man couldn't care less.
This is pure truth. I really hate shopping with my wife, because the question always is..... How does this look on me? ( or a form of this question) This is usually when the shopping experience goes downhill, because there IS no correct answer. I warn my wife when she requests my attendance, she KNOWS the end result and she even admits it normally isn't my fault..... But she just can't help but ask me to go....Then she blames it on hormones.
Now, if I need anything, I really don't want the wife going with me because it means whatever I pick up, I got to try on for her...... When it is much easier to just pick it up, buy it, and get home. I know my size and as stated above, I could care less....lol
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Telling the truth - kindly unless the relationship/circumstance allows for good-natured ribbing - is always a better option, in my opinion.
I'll give you an example. Ever since we returned from China with our daughter, my wife has taken to scrapbooking. She began with a scrapbook of that experience, and has since created a library of our life experiences since then. My kids years in school/sport, our vacations, etc.
She has a real knack for it. Some of the pages are so beautiful they evoke tears. There are ALL KINDS of different techniques that can be used to creatively and artistically bring the pages to life. She takes classes and watches youtubes (and subsequently buys a lot of gear), and she's always experimenting.
I tell her often, every time she shows me her work, how much I appreciate her effort. It's so much nicer than a regular photo album, and I make sure to tell her. I want her to know that what she does is edifying and appreciated.
Well, one of the techniques she learned was glass etching. We were invited to a party, and her idea for a gift was to give them nice wine glasses (they're wine connoisseurs), and etch them with their family initial. She created a couple tests, and asked me which I liked better.
Problem was, I didn't like either. The idea was nice, but seeing it in reality, it looked a little cheesy. I didn't think our hosts would ever use them, or that if they did, it would only be when we came to their house.
It was hard to tell the truth, but I did, and she appreciated it. I told her the idea was nice, but that now that I'd seen it, it might be a better idea for a set of beer mugs - that I liked the etching but it didn't seem to go with a wine glass. Just to make sure she knew my good intent, I told her that at least in telling the truth, she knows that when I praise her work, I'm telling the truth then too.
She got it, and wasn't offended at all - at least not in any outward way. I think the alternative - keeping my mouth shut and telling her they looked nice - would have been encouraging her to do something she might later regret, or feel embarrassed of.
ETA: That said, commenting on a woman's looks, hair, shoes, clothing etc - even if she asks - is dangerous territory. All bets are off.
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My answer to those "Does this make me look ..........." is, It wouldn't dare! ::thumbsup::
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It's definitely a "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
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The question has centered around fashion and looks, but I think it is a deeper question. I have no use for "friends" who will not tell me the truth. Especially if I ask for it. What kind of friend lies to spare your feelings or themselves the embarrassment of the truth?
I certainly agree with putting it kindly if possible, but there are times I miss the subtle hints and need the sledge hammer between the eyes. My true friends will give it to me.
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My feelings, too, ChrstnHsbndFthr!!
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It can, but it depends on the delivery.
"Look, I know you like this _________, the color is good on you, but it's not as flattering as it could be. Let's find something else".
With one of my friends I could say, "Oh hell no; that's horrible, get it off". With some of my others, more tact (see above) is required. I guess the question is, how well do you and your friend know each other and can you be blunt?
If not, hard truth is not optional but pussyfootin' may be. ;)
So, you say the truth depends upon how it is presented?
My friend actually said " damn your butt looks big". If she would have sugar coated it, I'm not sure it would have the same effect.
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This conundrum perfectly illustrates the difference between men and women. A woman will always ask a friend or spouse if something looks good on them.
A man couldn't care less.
BS! Men do care. Even manly men.
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And see, he's still our friend!
But yeah, truth and tact are hallmarks of friendship I think
Wouldn't the amount of tact needed depend on the friend?
How do you tactfully and gently say someone's butt looks big? What do you say?
I'm all for "damn your butt looks big"
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The question has centered around fashion and looks, but I think it is a deeper question. I have no use for "friends" who will not tell me the truth. Especially if I ask for it. What kind of friend lies to spare your feelings or themselves the embarrassment of the truth?
I certainly agree with putting it kindly if possible, but there are times I miss the subtle hints and need the sledge hammer between the eyes. My true friends will give it to me.
#1 answer so far!
The truth is accepted by true friends regardless of presentation.
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And see, he's still our friend!
But yeah, truth and tact are hallmarks of friendship I think
Wouldn't the amount of tact needed depend on the friend?
How do you tactfully and gently say someone's butt looks big? What do you say?
I'm all for "damn your butt looks big FANTASTIC!"
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It can, but it depends on the delivery.
"Look, I know you like this _________, the color is good on you, but it's not as flattering as it could be. Let's find something else".
With one of my friends I could say, "Oh hell no; that's horrible, get it off". With some of my others, more tact (see above) is required. I guess the question is, how well do you and your friend know each other and can you be blunt?
If not, hard truth is not optional but pussyfootin' may be. ;)
So, you say the truth depends upon how it is presented?
Hmm. Not really; what I'm saying is sometimes, depending on the person, *how* the truth is presented makes it more or less palatable. For our friends that don't require a sledgehammer, there's no need to use one, right? So, truth presented with a little tact goes a long way. The friend in my example -- "hell no, get that off, it's horrible" -- and I have always spoken to each other that way. (It's a Jersey thing). My southern belle friend would be more amenable to the other method, "I think this or that would look better on you", because she'd read that loud and clear as "hell no, get that off, it's horrible" without me having to say that.
It's always the truth; people just respond differently to blunt vs tact.
My friend actually said " damn your butt looks big". If she would have sugar coated it, I'm not sure it would have the same effect.
Well, from what I can tell, you and I could deal quite well with the "hell no ....... horrible" method of communication. ;)
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My life is simpler. I'd never tell a lady that her butt was big.
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I tell my wife the truth. I guess that's why she'll never ask me that question.
But, after over 20 yrs of marriage, 3 boys, and a little more of my wife to love than when we got married, I still think she's beautiful and sexy. THAT she doesn't believe. ::bashing::
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My life is simpler. I'd never tell a lady that her butt was big.
Of course not!
My friend did not say my butt WAS big, but a certain style of clothing can certainly make it LOOK big! ;D
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It can, but it depends on the delivery.
"Look, I know you like this _________, the color is good on you, but it's not as flattering as it could be. Let's find something else".
With one of my friends I could say, "Oh hell no; that's horrible, get it off". With some of my others, more tact (see above) is required. I guess the question is, how well do you and your friend know each other and can you be blunt?
If not, hard truth is not optional but pussyfootin' may be. ;)
So, you say the truth depends upon how it is presented?
Hmm. Not really; what I'm saying is sometimes, depending on the person, *how* the truth is presented makes it more or less palatable. For our friends that don't require a sledgehammer, there's no need to use one, right? So, truth presented with a little tact goes a long way. The friend in my example -- "hell no, get that off, it's horrible" -- and I have always spoken to each other that way. (It's a Jersey thing). My southern belle friend would be more amenable to the other method, "I think this or that would look better on you", because she'd read that loud and clear as "hell no, get that off, it's horrible" without me having to say that.
It's always the truth; people just respond differently to blunt vs tact.
My friend actually said " damn your butt looks big". If she would have sugar coated it, I'm not sure it would have the same effect.
Well, from what I can tell, you and I could deal quite well with the "hell no ....... horrible" method of communication. ;)
Absolutely! But, although I have that sort of relationship with most of my female friends, I always used more "tact" than necessary when dealing with the men in my life.
Early on in my marriage, I was trying to ask my husband something that I deemed to be a touchy subject (I can't recall exactly what). In typical female fashion, I was beating around the bush, setting up the whys and why nots, laying groundwork; most ladies understand what I'm saying.
My husband, after finally hearing what I wanted said to me "You took all those words to say that? Next time just say it - men do not care about the details, they care about the point." IOW, Yes, men are from mars and women are from Venus - learn to speak the language of the planet you are on..
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But I am from the planet Zorcon. No one understands me! ::exitstageleft::
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I think women are far too worried about what they look like. For me, what ya see is what ya got. Anyone who doesn't look deeper is missing out on some great people.
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But I am from the planet Zorcon. No one understands me! ::exitstageleft::
What was that you just said? ::pokeineye::
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Men don't care about the details......we care about the point. Man, this tells it like it is in a nutshell.
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But I am from the planet Zorcon. No one understands me! ::exitstageleft::
What was that you just said? ::pokeineye::
I said, "ankpoiqoqkfoiiaoa;". ::eyes:: ;)
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Early on in my marriage, I was trying to ask my husband something that I deemed to be a touchy subject (I can't recall exactly what). In typical female fashion, I was beating around the bush, setting up the whys and why nots, laying groundwork; most ladies understand what I'm saying.
My husband, after finally hearing what I wanted said to me "You took all those words to say that? Next time just say it - men do not care about the details, they care about the point." IOW, Yes, men are from mars and women are from Venus - learn to speak the language of the planet you are on..
Oh honey, that is the way I roll as a rule; it takes an exception for me to "do" extra words. Ask CHF for confirmation of that.
Early on, Gunsmith told me part of what he likes about me is he always knows where he stands.
Your husband defining the grounds rules that way made it a whole lot easier to communicate, imo.
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Men don't care about the details......we care about the point. Man, this tells it like it is in a nutshell.
Yes. I was amazed at how our communication improved when I repressed the female urge to over explain.
Instead of telling my husband that, well, I was at the store, you know buying a gift for Mary..you remember Mary right? Her husband tom was at the party we had four years ago when we lived on the west side?
Right, so, anyway, I was at the store buying Mary a gift, you know its Mary's birthday right? And since she bought us those candlesticks last December, we sort of owe her a gift. Well, did I tell you I was at the store? So, I'm walking through the petite section and there's this dress. The perfect color. I'd seen it before, but wouldn't buy it because it was too expensive, I mean. I know I was there to get Mary a gift. You do remember Mary, right?
Now days, I just say "look at this great dress I bought! Mary? Oh, I got her card.... ::hysterical::
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But I am from the planet Zorcon. No one understands me! ::exitstageleft::
What was that you just said? ::pokeineye::
I said, "ankpoiqoqkfoiiaoa;". ::eyes:: ;)
Yeah, that's what I thought you said...you better watch that smart mouth, or I'll introduce it to a bar of soap... ::exitstageleft::
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LOL.
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Early on in my marriage, I was trying to ask my husband something that I deemed to be a touchy subject (I can't recall exactly what). In typical female fashion, I was beating around the bush, setting up the whys and why nots, laying groundwork; most ladies understand what I'm saying.
My husband, after finally hearing what I wanted said to me "You took all those words to say that? Next time just say it - men do not care about the details, they care about the point." IOW, Yes, men are from mars and women are from Venus - learn to speak the language of the planet you are on..
Oh honey, that is the way I roll as a rule; it takes an exception for me to "do" extra words. Ask CHF for confirmation of that.
Early on, Gunsmith told me part of what he likes about me is he always knows where he stands.
Your husband defining the grounds rules that way made it a whole lot easier to communicate, imo.
I liked his rules. It relieved a lot of pressure. My mother raised me very old school, but I took to this new communication form like a duck to water. Unfortunately (sort of) it spilled over to all my relationships. Sometimes, my employer, or coworkers, even clerks at the grocery store will just stand there and blink their eyes at the stuff that comes out of my mouth. ::danceban::
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Got the blinking eyes on one; been there, had it happen. LOL.
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But I am from the planet Zorcon. No one understands me! ::exitstageleft::
What was that you just said? ::pokeineye::
I said, "ankpoiqoqkfoiiaoa;". ::eyes:: ;)
Yeah, that's what I thought you said...you better watch that smart mouth, or I'll introduce it to a bar of soap... ::exitstageleft::
OOooooooo-------Stop it some more!!! ::laughonfloor:: ::rimshot::
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Got the blinking eyes on one; been there, had it happen. LOL.
There are so few women in my neck of the woods that are like that! I'm glad to have found another.
Tell the truth now, do you find the blinking eyes as humorous as I do? Cracks me up every time, though, I try to keep a stoic facade...
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Got the blinking eyes on one; been there, had it happen. LOL.
There are so few women in my neck of the woods that are like that! I'm glad to have found another.
Tell the truth now, do you find the blinking eyes as humorous as I do? Cracks me up every time, though, I try to keep a stoic facade...
I do find it humorous, but I just keep a straight face and blink right back. Few seconds of confused silence right there. Heh.
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I tell my wife the truth. I guess that's why she'll never ask me that question.
But, after over 20 yrs of marriage, 3 boys, and a little more of my wife to love than when we got married, I still think she's beautiful and sexy. THAT she doesn't believe. ::bashing::
Been there, got the souvenir T-shirt, only for almost 50 years. A girl and a boy, 3 grandkids for each, one g-grandchild. Daughter graduated from U of IL, now working at Abbott Labs (they have their own ZIP Code!), earns about $110K/year. Son regrets not taking my advice to go to HVAC school; now he's not only the HVAC lead but the union rep in the Public Works Dept. of a nearby suburb. (He hates unions!!!) Oldest granddaughter graduated from U of WI -Whitewater, is now a legal assistant in Milwaukee; 2nd granddaughter now at Eastern IL and presently doing field work for her degree in biological/veterinary sciences. Oldest grandson graduated from Western IL University, and will go to England or Wales for his masters degree, and he has presented us with our g-granddaughter. The others are still in college or high school.
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Got the blinking eyes on one; been there, had it happen. LOL.
There are so few women in my neck of the woods that are like that! I'm glad to have found another.
Tell the truth now, do you find the blinking eyes as humorous as I do? Cracks me up every time, though, I try to keep a stoic facade...
I do find it humorous, but I just keep a straight face and blink right back. Few seconds of confused silence right there. Heh.
One of my favorites:
I'm in line behind a woman who has just bought a bunch of stuff I refuse to afford at the grocery store with a Lone Star Card (food stamps). The clerk asks her if she wants the receipt and she waves her off. I say, in not a loud voice, but loud enough, "I'll take the receipt, since it was my tax dollars that bought a good portion of that krap". And I held out my hand. The clerk just blinked. And sort of gasped, I kind of put her on the spot.
One lady behind me actually choked down laughter, or maybe it was a hair ball..I didn't care.
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I tell my wife the truth. I guess that's why she'll never ask me that question.
But, after over 20 yrs of marriage, 3 boys, and a little more of my wife to love than when we got married, I still think she's beautiful and sexy. THAT she doesn't believe. ::bashing::
Been there, got the souvenir T-shirt, only for almost 50 years. A girl and a boy, 3 grandkids for each, one g-grandchild. Daughter graduated from U of IL, now working at Abbott Labs (they have their own ZIP Code!), earns about $110K/year. Son regrets not taking my advice to go to HVAC school; now he's not only the HVAC lead but the union rep in the Public Works Dept. of a nearby suburb. (He hates unions!!!) Oldest granddaughter graduated from U of WI -Whitewater, is now a legal assistant in Milwaukee; 2nd granddaughter now at Eastern IL and presently doing field work for her degree in biological/veterinary sciences. Oldest grandson graduated from Western IL University, and will go to England or Wales for his masters degree, and he has presented us with our g-granddaughter. The others are still in college or high school.
How blessed you are with such a family. To think all of those people and all of those lives began with one man and one woman falling in love.
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When I worked at Rheem, I'd go out to lunch and sometimes supper with Debbie (now a close friend and her husband and 2 daughters of both of us) or Lynn (a close friend AND our CPA if and when we'd need her for that), and there was never a problem with my wife.
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Got the blinking eyes on one; been there, had it happen. LOL.
There are so few women in my neck of the woods that are like that! I'm glad to have found another.
Tell the truth now, do you find the blinking eyes as humorous as I do? Cracks me up every time, though, I try to keep a stoic facade...
I do find it humorous, but I just keep a straight face and blink right back. Few seconds of confused silence right there. Heh.
One of my favorites:
I'm in line behind a woman who has just bought a bunch of stuff I refuse to afford at the grocery store with a Lone Star Card (food stamps). The clerk asks her if she wants the receipt and she waves her off. I say, in not a loud voice, but loud enough, "I'll take the receipt, since it was my tax dollars that bought a good portion of that krap". And I held out my hand. The clerk just blinked. And sort of gasped, I kind of put her on the spot.
One lady behind me actually choked down laughter, or maybe it was a hair ball..I didn't care.
wish we had a "like" function!!!!
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My experience.
If between honesty (that doesn't make your butt look big, your butt makes your butt look big) and survival (sorry, I wasn't paying attention) then survival always wins. You don't want an honest answer (you can't handle the truth!) from a man with a question like that, you want something he is incapable and unwilling to give - a critical yet sensitive and intelligent opinion. That's asking a lot of a guy. Ask a girlfriend/mom/sister.