It's About Liberty: A Conservative Forum
Topics => Entertainment => Topic started by: rustybayonet on October 23, 2015, 08:05:06 PM
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Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month....
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me...
Every time I hear the dirty word "EXERCISE", I wash my mouth out with chocolate ...
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country ...
If you don't forward this to one of your friends within the next 5 minutes your bellybutton will unscrew and your butt will fall off ...
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Sadly, I can relate to all of them. ::laughonfloor::
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Is it good or bad that those make sense to me? :o
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Laugh for today;
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Oh well when you're over seventy who gives a sh*t !
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I got one for ya!
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
”Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ”Of course,
sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
”I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
H/T - http://iotwreport.com/wisdom-of-an-older-man/ (http://iotwreport.com/wisdom-of-an-older-man/)
Heh!
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::snoopydance::
Good one - here's another-
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,"You're kind of cute you gotta a phone number?" I said, "Yes", you gotta pen". She said "Yea, I got a pen", and I said "You better get back in it before the farmer missed you"... Cost me 6 stitches ....
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::laughonfloor::
At least you weren't that far gone, eh? Could have been worse!
(http://i585.photobucket.com/albums/ss291/libertasinfinitio/Warnings/beer-goggles_zpsf50eb109.jpg)
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I got one for ya!
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
”Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ”Of course,
sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
”I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
H/T - http://iotwreport.com/wisdom-of-an-older-man/ (http://iotwreport.com/wisdom-of-an-older-man/)
Heh!
I really liked that one to!
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When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today.
The rest of us are posting jokes on message boards.
::thumbsup::
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It looks like a new widespread and highly contagious epidemic is sweeping the country. The symptoms are defined as; Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing the president pander to Muslim terrorists. Loose bowels from swallowing the fact that we elected him twice. Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people. At this time there is not much cure for this; "Post-Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue", - which is known as --- PIST-AWF, but Medical personnel seem to think a cure could be available in November of 2016.
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A U.S, Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Henderson, NC.
He tells the priest, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned". "Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, Obama loving protester."
The priest says, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service".
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Heh.
Oh, and about that "cure"...well...you know...
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A U.S, Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Henderson, NC.
He tells the priest, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned". "Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, Obama loving protester."
The priest says, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service".
::hysterical:: ::hysterical:: ::hysterical::
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The question is - who is the smartest and most honest, I pick the dummy in the middle ....
(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/smartest%20one%20in%20the%20middle.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/smartest%20one%20in%20the%20middle.jpg.html)
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Sad but very true .....
(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/anti%20gun%20control.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/anti%20gun%20control.jpg.html)
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Don't we wish....
(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/hunting%20permit.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/hunting%20permit.jpg.html)
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::hysterical:: ::cool::
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A small ray of hope...I hope this Liberty University call for more people to get permits and carry on campus spreads like wildfire! (http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_LIBERTY_UNIVERSITY_GUNS?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2015-12-05-12-15-39) Between Obama's Islaminal immigrants and Obama's ferals people need to be a hell of a lot more proactive in ensuring their own safety, and this is EXACTLY the kind of action the Founders expect free people jealous of their Life and Liberty to employ!!!
::thumbsup:: ::cool:: ::beertoast:: ::newyear:: ::bows:: ::USA:: ::whoohoo:: ::danceban:: ::bustamove:: ::crusader:: ::clapping::
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From the old fart with the warped sense of humor;
(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/naughty%20of%20nice.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/naughty%20of%20nice.jpg.html)
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That better be the fricken White House!!!
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I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out - what I'm doing ..... ::exitstageleft::
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Heh, check this out -
So Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with a big chest.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with a big chest? Why kill her?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’
H/T - PeoplesCube - http://www.thepeoplescube.com/peoples-blog/wwiii-started-over-tits-t17335.html (http://www.thepeoplescube.com/peoples-blog/wwiii-started-over-tits-t17335.html)
::hysterical::
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(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/ATT00004.jpg) (http://s681.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet_2009/media/Things/ATT00004.jpg.html)
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Hah.
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Hah.
Well PANDORA; Maybe this is more to your liking ::praying:: -----
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men,
V
V
V
V
who mention it !!!!!!
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Wife - "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?"
Husband wanting the sweet release of death - "No. Your fat ass makes your ass look fat."
::hysterical::
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Important facts to remember as you grow old...
1. Death is the number one killer in the world.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Give a person a fish and you feed thme for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they
won't bother you for weeks, maybe months, or even maybe years.
5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather, it pays no attention to criticism.
7. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people
take Prozak to make it normal.
and finally;
8. Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long....
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More truth than levity in this but what the h*ll ---
Campaign Slogans for Hilldillary;
1. The bi*ch is back..
2. Clintons are forever ...
3. Your long national nightmare is NOT OVER ...
4. It's MOURNing again in America ...
5. Have it HER way ...
6. Reach out and tax someone ...
7. For that hard to reach income ...
8. Help eradicate capitalism ...
9. Likeability isn't everything ...
10. President Clinton "2" - this time with pants ...
I think #'s 3 / 4 / and 9 - should be mandatory for ALL of her appearances .....
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Only your Hitlery post can make the death posting more desirable!
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Only your Hitlery post can make the death posting more desirable!
The meeting of the 'Gray Matter' ? Or doesn't it Matter? ::thinking:: ::oldman::
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(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/cartoons/obama%20president%20of%20syria.png) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/cartoons/obama%20president%20of%20syria.png.html)
(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/cartoons/hillary%20firing.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/cartoons/hillary%20firing.jpg.html)
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I don't know where you found that first one Rusty but I am so stealing it!
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Putin would never allow it. We will have to sweeten the deal!
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For the 'older' generation; Combinations that do not go together ---
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and a bald spot
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini skirts and support hose
5. Speedo's and cellulite
6. Ankel bracelets a nd cornpads
7. Unbuttoned shirts and a heart monitor
8. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
9. Bikinis and liver spots
10. Short shorts and varicose vains
11. In-line skates and a walker
12. Thongs and Depends
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(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/cartoons/clintons%20income.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/cartoons/clintons%20income.jpg.html)
(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/cartoons/big%20foot%20on%20obamas%20truth.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/cartoons/big%20foot%20on%20obamas%20truth.jpg.html)
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For the 'older' generation; Combinations that do not go together ---
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and a bald spot
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini skirts and support hose
5. Speedo's and cellulite
6. Ankel bracelets a nd cornpads
7. Unbuttoned shirts and a heart monitor
8. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
9. Bikinis and liver spots
10. Short shorts and varicose vains
11. In-line skates and a walker
12. Thongs and Depends
13. Progs and honesty, morality, wisdom and virtues
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(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/Democrat%20eye%20test.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/Democrat%20eye%20test.jpg.html)
(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/Bushs%20fault_1.jpeg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/Bushs%20fault_1.jpeg.html)
(http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z267/rustybayonet/skelton%20voter.jpg) (http://s189.photobucket.com/user/rustybayonet/media/skelton%20voter.jpg.html)
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(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-745FYmp4pj0/Voqga_wuUoI/AAAAAAAC7m8/Pdyj5ATqmOo/s1600/untitled.png)
H/T Grouchies
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::rolllaughing::
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Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them “Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, “Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesnoowta, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance at varm up a little bit, ya know.”
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims, “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?”
Sven replies, “Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got at haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.”
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand; when I turn up the heat, you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?”
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, “Vell, don’t ya know, If hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.”
Uff da! ::snoshovel::
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Yaaah shuure, datsa goodun'! ::hysterical::
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We use to say that for da Ravens until they actually won the thing. Then they got extra stupid and took Obama money to advertise Oscheistercare and they've been in the toilet since. ::hysterical::
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Yeah, but as bad as your QB looks now...he still looks better than Teddy Ponder. ::unknowncomic::
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
::thumbsup::
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Thinking quickly on your feet is a gift. ;D
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Old Biker: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag, sir?"
Old Biker: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
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::rimshot::
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An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy Insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chef shrugs and replies, "Well, if that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
::pimp::
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A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius
This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions.
How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date?
She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall systemperformance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have triedrunning Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command:
I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory
and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!"