Author Topic: Future Headline Contest  (Read 481 times)

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Offline Weisshaupt

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Future Headline Contest
« on: May 18, 2016, 11:56:38 AM »
Okay, I propose a new game.. since anyone seeing todays Drudge report 15 years ago would call us shameless liars,  lets try to get ahead of the game and guess the most absurd, but true future headlines.

I know--

1)  Astrological Foods overtake Organic Food as best seller at Whole Foods
2) More and more people discovering Walking in  the woods is sometimes more interesting than their Ipad.
3) Biologically Male Transsexual successfully sues couple for Discrimination after the Couple refuses to consider him for a position as Surrogate Womb
4)  4'10" Female successfully Sues the NBA for height and gender discrimination
5) "Otherkin" Man sues kennel for refusing him room and board as a dog
6) Student suspended for disrupting his Math class by insisting math problems have correct answers
7) Person who feels their feet are Size Twelve, but whose actual shoe size is 6 ,  sues Shoe company for selling them shoes that don't fit well.
8) Newspaper closed by government for suggesting  there is such a thing as an "actual" shoe size, a person's "real" height, or "objective" reality.
9) Feminists celebrate imposition of Sharia law by decree in all 50 states- Hail Burkas and requirement for male escort  will stop fat shaming , destroy patriarchal standards of beauty, and make women safer.
10) Manhattan Mayor  plans new "Enlightenment" bridge across the Hudson river that will be the first large structure designed without the restrictive and racist  cultural and social constructs of physics and  math. 
11) White student  expelled for a flagrant display of White Privilege when he used a "Black" Board to explain something to his class, instead of allowing the blackboard to speak for itself. .
12) Lesbian Black Woman fired after claiming her White Co-Workers worked hard and deserved what they earned in pay
13) Human Fetus Salad lauded as Miracle Health Cure. Entrepreneurs  clamor to start Fetus Farms
14) Supreme Court upholds decision employers provide paid Maternity to leave anyone, at anytime, for any reason - no children required.
15)  Court orders boy, age 8 , to undergo sex change after pulling a girls hair. Judge says " Now he can learn what it feels like to be a girl"
16) In response to the Chinese announcement  Yuan will now be backed by Gold, newly appointed Federal Reserve Charmian, . Paul Krugman announces plan to mint  twenty gold  coins with 1 Trillion Dollar face value to pay off National debt. Stock Market Rallies on News.   
17) Union Bosses lobby Government for laws requiring Union membership for all of the robots and machines that replaced their human membership. Claim that "workers rights should not depend on if one is made of flesh and blood or silicon", demand employers pay wages to their machines, so the machines   can pay their union dues and collective bargaining fees.
18)  Democrats Hail new age of prosperity after inflation tied Minimum Wage laws set wage at $1000/hr. New found Prosperity is so prevalent, store shelves are cleared bare by happy shoppers spending their higher wages.


You get the idea.  Then in 5 years or so we can count up the accurate headlines and see who wins :)

Maybe  someone with a twitter account can start a hashtag....
« Last Edit: May 18, 2016, 05:32:23 PM by Weisshaupt »

Online Pandora

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2016, 12:07:21 PM »
One-legged man sues shoe store for having to buy extra shoe.
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." - Mark Twain

"Let us assume for the moment everything you say about me is true. That just makes your problem bigger, doesn't it?"

Offline Libertas

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2016, 12:18:36 PM »
Bridge Underpass occupancy passes 50 million mark, air pollution index never higher in recorded history, this despite the banning of the internal combustion engine for all but the elite ruling class and two Army companies and one Navy task force.

Disease and pestilence run amok, government drive-thru minute clinics overwhelmed since only the elite can afford an old-time hospital.

New $1,000,000,000 Obama note issued by the Treasury, government says inflation is controlled to a mere 37%.

Due to gender wars, all traditional bathrooms banned, public troughs placed in abandoned bus stops, but maintenance issues plague the system as the sanitation consultants union is on strike.

Due in large part to the Second Dust Bowl, starvation has lead to increased black market sales of food scraps and even vomit collected by staff employed by ruling elites.

First interspecies marriage performed in San Francisco, 47 year old self-identifying black gay athlete marries a 12' reef shark...honeymoon in Santa Monica Bay cut short by over-aggressive smooching...husband bled to death before reaching the nearest drive-thru minute clinic.

Irrumabo!  GOP? - Nope. No more. They made their bed, now let them die in it.*
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Offline Weisshaupt

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2016, 12:22:39 PM »
Bridge Underpass occupancy passes 50 million mark, air pollution index never higher in recorded history, this despite the banning of the internal combustion engine for all but the elite ruling class and two Army companies and one Navy task force.

Disease and pestilence run amok, government drive-thru minute clinics overwhelmed since only the elite can afford an old-time hospital.

New $1,000,000,000 Obama note issued by the Treasury, government says inflation is controlled to a mere 37%.

Due to gender wars, all traditional bathrooms banned, public troughs placed in abandoned bus stops, but maintenance issues plague the system as the sanitation consultants union is on strike.

Due in large part to the Second Dust Bowl, starvation has lead to increased black market sales of food scraps and even vomit collected by staff employed by ruling elites.

First interspecies marriage performed in San Francisco, 47 year old self-identifying black gay athlete marries a 12' reef shark...honeymoon in Santa Monica Bay cut short by over-aggressive smooching...husband bled to death before reaching the nearest drive-thru minute clinic.

Going after the low hanging fruit huh? That shark one is hilarious.

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2016, 01:03:37 PM »
These are great but I only got to number 6 before my brain gave me this...




Now it keeps insisting on going to sleep...

Offline Predator Don

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2016, 01:37:40 PM »
5 years from now??? 2021.... OK.

1) House and senate republicans promise obamacare ban.
2) Donald Trump elected for 2nd term.
3) National debt at 32 trillion.
4) NASA deeded to Middle East for their many human right contributions. Middle east uses new rocket tech to launch nukes, destroying Israel. Democrats defend Obama approval of centrifuge and uranium sales to Middle east.
5) Apple ruled a monopoly, broken up by gov't.
6) GM bankrupt....again.
7) First "genderless" baby born in test tube.
I'm not always engulfed in scandals, but when I am, I make sure I blame others.

Offline Libertas

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2016, 09:15:35 PM »
Bridge Underpass occupancy passes 50 million mark, air pollution index never higher in recorded history, this despite the banning of the internal combustion engine for all but the elite ruling class and two Army companies and one Navy task force.

Disease and pestilence run amok, government drive-thru minute clinics overwhelmed since only the elite can afford an old-time hospital.

New $1,000,000,000 Obama note issued by the Treasury, government says inflation is controlled to a mere 37%.

Due to gender wars, all traditional bathrooms banned, public troughs placed in abandoned bus stops, but maintenance issues plague the system as the sanitation consultants union is on strike.

Due in large part to the Second Dust Bowl, starvation has lead to increased black market sales of food scraps and even vomit collected by staff employed by ruling elites.

First interspecies marriage performed in San Francisco, 47 year old self-identifying black gay athlete marries a 12' reef shark...honeymoon in Santa Monica Bay cut short by over-aggressive smooching...husband bled to death before reaching the nearest drive-thru minute clinic.

Going after the low hanging fruit huh? That shark one is hilarious.

Well, gosh...you asked for accurate predictions!
Irrumabo!  GOP? - Nope. No more. They made their bed, now let them die in it.*
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Online ToddF

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2016, 07:22:59 AM »
Security Guard Arrested For Removing Man From Women’s Bathroom

What?  Too late with that one?

http://dailycaller.com/2016/05/19/security-guard-arrested-for-removing-man-from-womens-bathroom/

I'll have to be quicker, next time.

Offline Libertas

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2016, 07:39:21 AM »
 ::cussing::  hate crime?

 ::outrage::

They ain't seen hate yet.  Besides, shouldn't all rational people hate crime?

I swear...there are so many people begging for an ass-kicking...I think I might need to hire a personal assistant to handle all the scheduling!





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Offline Glock32

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Re: Future Headline Contest
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2016, 09:20:02 AM »
I don't need to be a master of prognostication to guess this one:


"Area Man Absolutely Loses His sh*t"
"The Fourth Estate is less honorable than the First Profession."

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