Author Topic: So I Married an Axe Murderer  (Read 9671 times)

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So I Married an Axe Murderer
« on: October 30, 2013, 11:38:08 PM »
OK, I decided that it was unfair to hijack JF's excellent gun-porn thread so I am starting an on-going thread where I can post my crap. Please don't feel any need to respond - or even read it. Like I said this is a way for me to chase off some old ghosts.

I warn you - there may be significant toxicity ahead...


Offline LadyVirginia

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2013, 11:43:20 PM »

I always tell the kids when something happens that's not good--make sure you at least get a story out of it you can use LOL
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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2013, 11:50:19 PM »
Fitted to be tied

This is about my ex-wife, and kinda about my brother, but mostly about fitted sheets.
Have you ever tried to fold a fitted sheet? Admit it – most folks sorta fold away at it but mostly just wad it up so it will fit on the shelf. Sure – we always start off with the best of intentions but the damned things just don’t take to being pleated.

But let’s step back for just a moment because it just would be fun if I didn’t properly set the stage.

In one of my dumber decisions I didn’t close on my house until after I was married. Since I foolishly held the antiquated notion that things like marriage were supposed to be forever I didn’t spend much time figuring the angles – or protecting my flank. As a result the house purchased with my money and my credit and my sweat equity became our  little (community property) love nest.

My house wasn’t the prettiest but it was graced with a huge lot (for a mature suburban neighborhood) that was large enough to boast a separate driveway on two streets and a massive freestanding garage. There was seemingly endless room for projects and playgrounds and still plenty to share. For a guy just starting out (or staring over) it held the promise of being a safe haven and a good place to put down roots. Too bad it wasn’t to be.
When her brother lost his apartment we let him crash at our place for a month (or three). At a later time I had a brother who needed the same opportunity and we set him up in his trailer on a corner of the lot where he could come and go as he pleased. I got no pushback from her – as a matter of fact she took pains to allow as how it was a “great idea” so I thought everything was cool. Man am I thick sometimes!

But what about the sheets?!
OK, hold your horses, I’m getting to it.

Having my brother around the place was working out real well. He was there when the kids came home from school. He helped cut wood for the fireplace. And since we had always been close it was convenient to conversation. All was not well in Tinytown however. The Moody One had been especially bitchy of late but since she was so inclined so often how was one to tell?

One of her particular rituals was doing the laundry. We had talked at times about farming some of the duty out to the kids now that they were getting older but she was of the opinion that they would just “F it up”. After a while I noticed that she held that opinion about nearly every endeavor that represented normal chores for kids. It wasn’t that she didn’t want them to work – it was that her minimum standard threshold was far too high for mere mortals (like children) to ever reach. So she did the laundry herself (apparently I failed to hit the mark either ;’)

When a load of clothes were finished drying she would haul them out into the living room (even though we had a table in the utility room) and fold them. As she would fold she would pile things up on the sofa. Including the fitted sheets that (apparently) she was the only person in the world who could correctly fold. And there they would stay. For days sometimes. Now I came from a large family of modest means and things like furniture were meant to be used – as furniture. But in our little hutch furniture was meant as object lessons. I had a rocking chair that was a hand~me~down from my folks and my favorite. She had a La-Z-Boy armchair that her mother bought for her – and that no one else could sit in. So when she used the sofa as a utility table that meant that there was no place for the kids to sit. Or guests for that matter (it’s funny how obvious all of this is in hindsight).

Dunderhead that I am it took my brother patiently pointing out what was so obvious to him and oblivious to me. This was a passive-aggressive game she was playing. One meant to make people uncomfortable and to drive them away but one done so casually and surreptitiously that we weren’t supposed to recognize that we were being played.

I was dubious so he said, “OK, just watch” and he walked over to the sofa and carefully rearranged a few piles of clothes. Only a few and only a tiny movement. I shook my head skeptically. “No one is that petty” I protested. But deep down I was already on the cusp of the truth.

That afternoon (my brother since departed from the scene She came home. It was only about five minutes before she started having a fit. “Who’s been messing with the laundry?! She thundered (is it still laundry once it’s been washed, dried, and folded?). She angrily summoned the kids out from their homework detail to interrogate them. When I saw how strident she was I took the blame saying that I had bumped into the sofa while carrying something.

“What were you carrying?!” She demanded.
“Oh, I had a box of car parts” I lied.
“Where are they now?!” She persisted.
“I took them out to the garage” I invented.

From her look I could tell that she didn’t believe me but she let it drop. I couldn’t believe that anyone would/could ever notice something that minuscule but I had just been presented with a valuable object lesson. And my main concern was shielding the children from her wrath.

Later my brother returned (while She was away of course) to validate his thesis. “I don’t know how you saw it coming but you were right” I reluctantly admitted.

“Watch this” he says and goes out through the kitchen and into the utility room. There he showed me the washing machine. “You see this?” he asked, pointing into the machine, “She has taken to locking up the machine by leaving laundry in it. “I’ve been taking her clothes out so I can do my laundry, putting hers back in afterwards, and running a rinse cycle to disguise the fact”.

As a test he reached into the washer and stirred the clothes about – just a little.
Sure enough, we had another 4-alarm emergency meeting when she got home that afternoon. How does she do that?! Does she go around memorizing the placement of every bit of flotsam in the entire house?

In another conversation my brother insisted, “I know that you’re busy trying to work and take care of the kids and go to school” he said, “but she’s maneuvering to get you out of the house. She’s withdrawn any interest in civility with me and doesn’t want me here anymore. What’s more, she doesn’t want you here anymore either. She’s setting traps for me, for you, and for the kids. I’ll get out just as quickly as I can but you know I’m still not working so I have nowhere to go. Watch your ass”.

To be continued…

Online Pandora

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2013, 11:56:23 PM »
Wait, WAIT!  I have to hit the bathroom and refill my wineglass ......

Okay, go!

.............

Whaaat?!  Hey, c'mon don't leave us hangin'.

(grumblegrumble I hate two-parters grumblegrumble)
« Last Edit: October 31, 2013, 12:01:01 AM by Pandora »
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Offline LadyVirginia

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2013, 12:01:43 AM »
I was about to go to bed and I just had to click on show unread posts... ::facepalm::

"And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

Offline ChrstnHsbndFthr

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2013, 01:05:38 AM »
ummm...UH OH... !
“My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the Bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together.

“However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.”
Phil Robertson an elder in the church of Christ

RickZ

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2013, 01:15:35 AM »
Oh good, a serial bitch fest.  I see a book deal in your future, Soup, a 'how not to'.

And as far as folding fitted sheets go, I don't see the problem.  Put both long side corners together one inside the other, insert hands to mesh them together, lay on bed, straighten/align sides and top into a rectangle, then fold as normal.  By the time I'm done folding the sheets and pillow cases, I have a bundle that can be stacked in a closet.  Pulling out a bundle gives you all you need to change the bedding.  My sister taught me that when I stayed with her one summer, just turned 13.  Always stuck with me.

(The things you can find on the interwebz.)

http://www.squidoo.com/how-to-fold-fitted-sheets

How to Fold A Fitted Sheet

Regarding your brother, it always takes an outsider to point out the obvious in relationships.  I had a similar, but nowhere near as petty, experience.  But my friends were too cowardly to tell me.

Online IronDioPriest

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2013, 02:20:21 AM »
I can't wait until the axe part...

 ::popcorn::
"A strict observance of the written laws is doubtless one of the high duties of a good citizen, but it is not the highest. The laws of necessity, of self-preservation, of saving our country when in danger, are of higher obligation. To lose our country by a scrupulous adherence to written law, would be to lose the law itself, with life, liberty, property and all those who are enjoying them with us; thus absurdly sacrificing the end to the means."

- Thomas Jefferson

Offline Libertas

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2013, 06:46:25 AM »
Screw folding fitted sheets, the wad works just fine.

Is that why I am still single?!   ;D

Oh well, ain't gonna change now...   ::lalanotlistening:: 
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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2013, 07:07:26 AM »
Screw folding fitted sheets, the wad works just fine.

Is that why I am still single?!   ;D

Oh well, ain't gonna change now...   ::lalanotlistening::

I do believe that screwing fitted sheets might be why you're single.  Just a guess, though.

Offline LadyVirginia

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2013, 08:46:48 AM »
I admit it. I actually watched the video.
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Offline AlanS

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2013, 08:54:05 AM »
I have to admit, I didn't know how to fold fitted sheets until my lovely bride taught me. While single, I just washed, dried, and put 'em back on the bed. Why fold? ::pimp::

So when's the next installment? ::deercorn::
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Offline LadyVirginia

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #12 on: October 31, 2013, 09:01:04 AM »
So when's the next installment? ::deercorn::

Maybe he's waiting until we're thoroughly done discussing laundry folding and sheets and whatever Libertas does with them.  ;D
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Offline AmericanPatriot

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2013, 09:37:28 AM »
After the comments about Libertas' sheet work, I think I need eye bleach

Offline Libertas

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2013, 11:15:03 AM »
I'm outta sheet.
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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #15 on: October 31, 2013, 07:28:30 PM »
Halloween - 2013

I never understood why people who don't like kids have kids. And why are they so much more possessive when it comes to the little people they have so much contempt and disdain for. I was pretty ham-fisted as a parent but I sure did love the company of the little squirts.

I think of all the holidays, Random liked Halloween the best. Random went on her first trick or treat when she was just twelve days old. Her Uncle and I bundled her up and carried her around the neighborhood with her sisters. For reasons that always eluded me Random's mother liked holidays - especially Halloween - but not the "having kids around" part of it. She was always impatient with kids, starting with her own, and generally could be counted on to spoil the event for all concerned. In all the years I knew her she never once took the kids trick~or~treating. She couldn't be bothered. I on the other hand, relished the chance to see the excitement and unadulterated joy on their faces and consequently was blessed with the honor of taking Random and her sisters out almost every Halloween after that first one.

There's an awkward phase in the enjoyment of Halloween. A time when you become too old to trick or treat, but you're not old enough to party. Most communities don't make much of an accommodation for this period and it's frustrating for the kids. I know that it was for Random. I know that she tried to hide the disappointment that came with the change of circumstance by showing an air of indifference, but I could see that she was hurting with the kind of ache no band-aid could cover.

I always thought that her love of all things Halloween was the inspiration for her fascination with horror and monster movies, Pokemon, and eventually the interlude she took with goth and alternative styles. Random really didn't like the life she saw unfolding around her. Too often it seemed cruel, cold, and indifferent. So she took refuge in fantasy. In make believe she could, at least for a moment, be someone she admired. It was an escape from her unhappiness, and I guess I was OK with it because it did my heart good to see her happy.

Happy Halloween Random - I love you



(if you were looking for part II - It's still in the works)

RickZ

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #16 on: October 31, 2013, 07:40:41 PM »
I'm outta sheet.

So you don't cotton to sheets.  Must be one of those rich elitist 'born onto the silk' babies.

Offline LadyVirginia

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #17 on: October 31, 2013, 09:38:09 PM »
Happy Halloween Random - I love you

 <hugs>
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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #18 on: October 31, 2013, 09:48:00 PM »
Don't know how to fold fitted sheets. Neither of us care.  Yea.  I win :)



Offline Libertas

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Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #19 on: November 01, 2013, 06:46:18 AM »
I'm outta sheet.

So you don't cotton to sheets.  Must be one of those rich elitist 'born onto the silk' babies.

Heh, not quite..tried that silk tough...

Remember that scene in NL Christmas Vacation when Griswald puts his super spray on his saucer and slides down the hill at Warp 12?

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