Author Topic: So I Married an Axe Murderer  (Read 11219 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline yankeestom

  • Newb
  • *
  • Posts: 38
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #80 on: January 10, 2014, 01:51:46 PM »
I'm a little late to the party, but that metric crapload of Garfield stuff is both impressive and disturbing.
-Tom
Free Tibet*!

*With purchase of an additional Tibet of equal or greater value

Online Alphabet Soup

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4706
  • Hier standt ich. Ich kann nicht anders
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #81 on: January 10, 2014, 06:08:27 PM »
I'm a little late to the party, but that metric crapload of Garfield stuff is both impressive and disturbing.

To this day I cannot bear to look at that image. Crapload is most appropriate ;')

Online Alphabet Soup

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4706
  • Hier standt ich. Ich kann nicht anders
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer/ The Poop Story
« Reply #82 on: June 28, 2014, 02:12:39 PM »
Maybe I should have titled this page "Soupies bowlful of silliness" instead of "So I Married an Axe Murderer" but vanity compels me to keep my larger flights of (il)literate fancy together in one spot.

OK, you axed for it ;')

WARNING: the following chapter deals with leftists and excrement (sometimes it's hard to tell where one leaves off and the other begins!)

Around 2000 I was working for a ginormous multinational corporation that was hugely fond of H1B's. The Seattle area has a reputation for being a (ridiculously) diverse area already (think the barroom scene in Star Wars) but this place was worse than that and almost as bad as the UN.

This was a major-league leftist outfit as well so Political Correctness was the order of the day. The funny thing about PC (not funny haha - funny perverse) is that PC isn't a substitution for or augmentation of the Golden Rule but rather it is a circumvention for common decency. PC is the proposition of saying "No one here thinks you're an idiot...that you know of". It's artificial, it's phony, it's insincere, and it's the modus operandi of the left.

If you've ever worked in a big office building you know of the daily ritual of hall-gathering. This is the morning routine wherein the cubicle-dwellers congregate in the hallways, corridors, and (where present) break-rooms to kibitz. It's all well and good and generally harmless (in its innate non-productivity mode). It's also a major PITA for any poor fools who actually have work to do. The metaphor isn't so much like the commonly used traffic jam as it is a backed up toilet. No matter how badly you need to go, you don't want to go there.

I think you can easily tell at this point what sort of morning person I am ;')

The daily ritual for me was to arrive an hour before anybody else (so I could work uninterrupted), get my coffee, and prep for my day. Once I got things properly spun up then I felt free to go waste company time.

On one of my coffee refill trips I encountered a glut of fools in the hallway. This particular bunch of fools happened to be of the muzzie persuasion. Now mind you - this was a bit more than a year before 9/11 and the increased scrutiny that came in the wake of that horrible event. I had worked with a bunch of them and had already noted a couple of things about them. I noticed that most of them carried a chip on their shoulders. They pretended to be superior but showed "tell" that belied their sense of inferiority. I noted that even the meekest of them would instantly go into a rage at the mention of "Jew" of Israel". Like pouring salt into an open wound. They showed little interest in mingling with us lowly infidels and preferred the company of their own. Several of them showed open contempt for anglos. I noted it but remembered that I didn't have to like them - I just had to work with them.

So I'm working my way down the corridor and come upon this glut of morons yukking it up and dominating the hall by jostling each other. Now I ask you - can you recall another time in your past when this description applied? If you answered "Junior High School" I have a shiny Ticonderoga pencil for you.

They were fooling around in the hallway as I was trying to navigate my way through carrying a cup of scalding hot coffee. You know what happened next. The guy who got drenched yelped like a banshee and his buddies immediately took an offensive stance. My reaction was mock concern: "Oh owie - I bet that hurt!" The rest of the group glared at me and I gave them a casually disarming smile that denied them an easy interpretation. All they could do was retreat.

It was a large building with an equally large population and consequently a long time passed before my next encounter with any of them. When it did it was in the Men's Room.
 
Men's Room Etiquette is one of the more curious manifestations of human neurosis. The rules aren't immortalized in stone or any book but they are there nonetheless. The Men's Room is a space of varying size where males go to relieve themselves. What makes the Men's Room different from a bathroom is the fact that humans are peeing and pooping in a room filled with other people peeing and pooping (whereas in a bathroom you usually have exclusive use). There is a stigma associated with the act of elimination. Most humans hold it to one degree or another. Elimination is an act that most would prefer to perform in privacy. But large buildings do not respect the stigma and so comes Men's room Etiquette.

Men's Room Etiquette dictates that one goes into a Men's room, does their business, washes ones hands, and leaves. The Men's Room is not a social gathering place, nor is it the proper forum for doing Business. It's a place to pee and poop.

When you enter a Men's Room etiquette dictates that you gently avert your eyes from eye~to~eye contact with other patrons. Real men don't notice another patron and announce, "Hey Charlie, that's a great outfit you're wearing! Did you get that at Macy's?!" At least not in the Men's Room. At least not hetro-normative men ;') Absent-mindedly whistling is considered tacky but not prohibited. Checking out another mans package is strictly no-no. If you're into that sort of thing go buy some ghey porno. Cruising the Men's Room for action is an excellent way to get your azz kicked.

I've seen flowcharts (humorously) devoted to the definition of the proper selection of urinal. When selecting a urinal you take the one on the far left. The next person arriving will take the one two spaces away - unless he's an asshole where he'll take the one furthest to the right. That's because the next person after that must make a conscious decision - does he take position immediate to the right of person #1 or to the immediate left of person #2? I've seen people confronted with that decision turn around and leave. Seriously. And that's just for peeing.

Defecation is a whole different deal. Most humans pass gas when they pee, but pass much more when they poop. Have you ever heard a fart joke? Think of the number of humans who have built entire careers on fart jokes. Do you like being the butt of a fart joke? I don't know anyone who does. So the key to defecation in public is the pretense of privacy. Somehow you gotta get yourself into a stall unnoticed, do your business, and get out without leaving a wake. It's a delicate dance but one that I've seen (and done) many times. Unfortunately no amount of nonchalance or unobtrusiveness can withstand a very public, "HEY WALLY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA PLUG UP THE sh*tTER AGAIN ARE YA?!!"
 
How can people be so heartless? (How can people be so cruel?!)

Nature beckoned and I hit the nearest Men's Room to answer the call. One of my muzzie buddies exited a stall just as I approached the door. He looked at me, breaking rule #1 (no eye contact) and brushed past me muttering something. I opened the stall door and saw the mess he had left behind. Here's another interesting factoid that I learned....muslims don't grow up with the same etiquette as humans. This particular one had placed his feet on either side of the seat, squatted above it, and then took a crap. Some of it had actually made its way into the bowl. I don't know whether or not he was acquainted with the employment of toilet paper, but in this instance he had chosen against it. The toilet was covered in poop.

"Hey Ackbar!" I shouted, "You ain't quite done here...not yet!"
 
He froze in his steps but wouldn't look at me.

"Yea you!" "Come back here and clean up the mess you made!"

He turned around and looked at me with panic in his eyes.

"I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna let you shyt all over the place and then just walk away!"

He looked around to see if he could muster support from anyone - he was greeted with shaking heads and the look of disgust. He did go into the stall and he did wipe up his crap. I bet he is still haunted from the incident.

Hmmm.  Maybe I'm responsible for 9/11?

Online AlanS

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 7054
  • Proud Infidel
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #83 on: June 28, 2014, 04:22:18 PM »
 ::clapping::
"Malo periculosam, libertatem quam quietam servitutem."

Thomas Jefferson

Offline LadyVirginia

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5131
  • Mt. Vernon painting by Francis Jukes
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #84 on: June 28, 2014, 05:40:05 PM »
I figured there had to be a no eye contact rule in the men's room. Because there's often a line for the women's bathroom there is occasional eye contact as you indicate to someone you're in line or not etc.

I dislike women who try to carry on conversations while taking care of business.

I wondered how people were getting poo all over the toilet and floor. But from your description I guess it's because they don't sit on a toilet. Hmmm, why is that?

I'm pretty sure you're not responsible for 9/11 but I imagine that guy hasn't forgotten you. No doubt if he doesn't get his revenge against some infidel for that  his descendants will try to.
"And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

Offline Libertas

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 42036
  • Alea iacta est! Libertatem aut mori!
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #85 on: June 28, 2014, 09:50:05 PM »
l would wager chimps are more neat and polite than a muzzie.

There are those clowns like us though, seemingly normal guys....that leave the can full & plugged.  My first thought is the same...wtf does their home look like?

 ::speechless::
Irrumabo!  GOP? - Nope. No more. They made their bed, now let them die in it.*
* © Libertas (H/T Glock32)

Offline trapeze

  • Administrator
  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 6367
  • Hippies smell bad. Go away, hippie.
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #86 on: June 28, 2014, 11:28:51 PM »
I seem to remember something about arab/muslim etiquette (yeah, I know...sounds like an oxymoron) where they are really offended if you offer them a left hand because that is what they use instead of toilet paper. I don't know if that's true...could be one of those urban legend thingies...but for some reason it sounds as if it could be true and what does that say about them?

And speaking of...

« Last Edit: June 28, 2014, 11:35:19 PM by trapeze »
In a doomsday scenario, hippies will be among the first casualties. So not everything about doomsday will be bad.

Offline Libertas

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 42036
  • Alea iacta est! Libertatem aut mori!
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #87 on: June 29, 2014, 01:19:17 PM »
Pages of that rag work better than the left hand.
Irrumabo!  GOP? - Nope. No more. They made their bed, now let them die in it.*
* © Libertas (H/T Glock32)

Online Pandora

  • Administrator
  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 16283
  • I iz also makin a list. U on it pal.
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #88 on: June 29, 2014, 01:38:49 PM »
Pages of that rag work better than the left hand.

I cannot begin to fathom that ...... and don't want to.

A lot of people from Latin American countries, particularly Mexico, use toilet paper but they're not in the habit of flushing the paper.  Apparently, the waste disposal systems there cannot accommodate the practice.

If there's a wastebasket, they'll put it in there until the can gets full and the towering pile topples onto the floor.  And is left there.  In the case of no wastecan, it goes right onto the floor.

The West invented a way of dealing with human waste that obliterated many of the health and sanitation issues that still cause disease in the rest of the world and these disgusting people -- bolstered by the Left -- are in the process of reversing the very processes that constituted real progress.

One of the issues that has me so upset about the current ongoing invasion from our southern border.

eta:  Do these people LOOK LIKE CHILDREN TO YOU??!



http://www.dmldaily.com/what-will-happen-to-the-illegal-children/

Sorry for the post hijack, 'Soup.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2014, 01:47:53 PM by Pandora »
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." - Mark Twain

"Let us assume for the moment everything you say about me is true. That just makes your problem bigger, doesn't it?"

Offline Libertas

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 42036
  • Alea iacta est! Libertatem aut mori!
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #89 on: August 04, 2014, 06:53:43 PM »
I think Ackbar paid a visit to the men's room at work...I just do not know what happened nor do I want to waste time thinking about it...a urinal was hit with something worse than urine and it was in, on, around and below it.

Probably a good thing I did not witness whatever happened, I would be in prison for manslaughter.

I just do not understand how someone can do something like this...
Irrumabo!  GOP? - Nope. No more. They made their bed, now let them die in it.*
* © Libertas (H/T Glock32)

Online Alphabet Soup

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4706
  • Hier standt ich. Ich kann nicht anders
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #90 on: August 04, 2014, 07:03:34 PM »
Crapping in the urinal - totally gross. I've witnessed it as well. mexicans.

Offline Libertas

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 42036
  • Alea iacta est! Libertatem aut mori!
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #91 on: August 05, 2014, 06:39:06 AM »
Seriously?  Did ya kick 'em back across the Rio Grande?  I'm pretty sure I would go incendiary if I saw that!

It would be ironic if Mexicans did this instance...most all of the union janitors here are Latino's with some Asian's and a token whitey thrown in for diVerSiTy!
Irrumabo!  GOP? - Nope. No more. They made their bed, now let them die in it.*
* © Libertas (H/T Glock32)

Online Alphabet Soup

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4706
  • Hier standt ich. Ich kann nicht anders
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #92 on: March 20, 2015, 11:26:00 AM »
In honor of the Eclipse thread (http://itsaboutliberty.com/index.php?topic=12877.msg142753#msg142753)...

I don't recall the moment that the import of the coming eclipse penetrated my thick skull - I think that it slowly oozed its way into my consciousness. There had been a buzz on the radio about it and that buzz just continued to build. Narrators who were saying "the last full solar eclipse until...." (I no longer remember the date but at the time it seemed awfully far away).

It was 1979. I was newly married and had a job warehousing for an electronics manufacturer. I didn't want to jeopardize my job but the lure of witnessing the eclipse became intoxicating. It was mid-February which is guaranteed to be rainy in Seattle and there were few who thought that anyone would get much of a view of the spectacle. Then the local news reported an interesting tidbit - the epicenter of the total eclipse would sweep over the replica of Stonehenge in Maryhill Washington. This site, located on the barren hillside overlooking the Columbia River stood a much better chance of clear weather for the event.



I took a chance and revealed my true plans to my lead-man. He gave me the OK to taking the day off. My wife working part-time at the time so that wasn't an issue. We packed my van like we did for camping trips and topped off the tank. As fate would have it the eclipse occurred on a Monday so we had a "free" travel day. We headed south Sunday afternoon and eventually found ourselves inthe middle of nowhere, AKA Maryhill Washington. I knew there was a reason why I favored vans in those days ;')



Stonehenge at Maryhill is a most peculiar thing. Sited on a remote hillside in southern Washington, it was built by noted eccentric Sam Hill, whose own tomb lies nearby, to commemorate 13 young Klickitat County men who gave their lives in World War I. The altar stone was dedicated on July 4th, 1918 and the full structure was completed and dedicated on May 30th 1929. Sam Hill had the structure fabricated out of concrete to resemble how the original megalithic Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain, Wiltshire, England must have appeared ca. 1350 B.C.. Sam Hill’s Stonehenge sits high on a bluff overlooking the Columbia River near Maryhill, Washington.

During a total eclipse of the sun in February, 1979, Stonehenge, not surprisingly, became a center of activity. Thousands of people, including members of the New Order of Reformed Druids, gathered at Sam Hill’s concrete creation to witness the moon “eating the sun”. The participants sang and chanted in the darkness until the sun again emerged from behind the moon. (http://www.mausoleums.com/portfolio/stonehenge-memorial/)

My recollection was that the actual eclipse occurred around 08:30 Monday morning. We were still foggy-eyed and in desperate need of a decent cup of coffee. The loons had occupied Stonehenge proper but amateur astronomers were plentiful in the parking/camping area. We struck up a conversation with one of them and he kindly offered to share his setup with us. It may even be the guy who took the following pictures. At any rate there was a full spectrum of people who congregated for the event, from "salt of the earth" to "extra-terrestrial".



The event itself was amazing and I still get chills recalling it.

Forty miles or so to the west of us was Portland Oregon. They were socked in with rain and a low ceiling of clouds. It was even worse back in Seattle. But at Maryhill it was fairly clear and bravely sunny. With the exception of being chilly it was very much like any other typical spring morning. The birds were chirping and cows in a nearby field were beginning to move about, occasionally making cow-moos and snorts.

Then a perceptible change started happening. A shadow appeared from the west silently racing towards us. The cows went silent. The birds went to ground. Off in the distance the loons were waking from their previous night’s debauchery and we could hear the hoots and hollering swell. The astronomers had their gear set up in anticipation and it was now just a matter of waiting for it to hit us.

The skies grew darker - very rapidly. The change was dramatic and even the loons fell silent. Behind us a streetlight reacted to the lack of sunlight and energized itself. From someone’s car the melody from Dark Side of the moon lofted across the lot and I thought to myself, "What could be more appropriate music to score this event?!"



As quickly as it came it climaxed and then receded, the ominous shadow heading off down the valley.

That was my eclipse of February, 26, 1979

Offline Libertas

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 42036
  • Alea iacta est! Libertatem aut mori!
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #93 on: March 23, 2015, 06:55:17 AM »
Nice story 'Soup.  ::thumbsup::

I have yet to catch a total, seen some partials, never the Big Kahuna.

Would be cool to catch one of those boat intercepts like I am sure will occur in the one in the Pacific in March 2016, but August 2017 in the Missouri-Kentucky area the times of greatest eclipse and duration will occur on land, an I might just have to make that trip.

http://www.eclipsewise.com/solar/solar.html
Irrumabo!  GOP? - Nope. No more. They made their bed, now let them die in it.*
* © Libertas (H/T Glock32)

Online Pandora

  • Administrator
  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 16283
  • I iz also makin a list. U on it pal.
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #94 on: March 23, 2015, 10:35:18 AM »
Quote
Nice story 'Soup.  ::thumbsup:: 

I like his stories.   ;D
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." - Mark Twain

"Let us assume for the moment everything you say about me is true. That just makes your problem bigger, doesn't it?"

Online Alphabet Soup

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4706
  • Hier standt ich. Ich kann nicht anders
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #95 on: March 23, 2015, 01:46:18 PM »
Thank you. I find it therapeutic to put this stuff to "pen".


Online John Florida

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 7665
  • IT'S MY FONT AND I'LL USE IT IF I WANT TO!!
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #96 on: April 06, 2015, 05:25:32 PM »
Thank you. I find it therapeutic to put this stuff to "pen".


   Don't stop now you're almost sane.   ::unknowncomic::
All men are created equal"
 Filippo Mazzie

Online Alphabet Soup

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4706
  • Hier standt ich. Ich kann nicht anders
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #97 on: April 06, 2015, 06:40:37 PM »
Thank you. I find it therapeutic to put this stuff to "pen".


   Don't stop now you're almost sane.   ::unknowncomic::

Where the heck have you been?! (welcome back JF!)

Online John Florida

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 7665
  • IT'S MY FONT AND I'LL USE IT IF I WANT TO!!
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #98 on: April 07, 2015, 04:06:43 PM »
  I'm at work!! My machine is still screwed and wife in Conn for two more weeks and I do laundry,work,cook,pay bills and try to get basic crap done.  Changed the batteries in my lawn tractor and my back and forth to work car and laundry and did I say cook and work.


   THIS IS THE LONGEST SHE'S EVER BEEN GONE AND IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.  Other than that just chillin.
All men are created equal"
 Filippo Mazzie

Online Alphabet Soup

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4706
  • Hier standt ich. Ich kann nicht anders
Re: So I Married an Axe Murderer
« Reply #99 on: May 19, 2015, 03:34:38 PM »
Yesterday was the 35th anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens. This is the mountain (volcano) that I wrote about a bit upstream and about fifteen months after the solar eclipse story.

The story played out for about three weeks before the grand finale. We have two moderately large volcanoes as neighbors. They've been snoozing for a millennium or two but in early 1980 Mt. St. Helen's began to awaken from its slumber. It did so much as I imagine a grizzly bear would do so - very slowly and laboriously, and with lots of grunts, snorts, and other ill-tempered emanations.

The talking heads breathlessly intoned the doomsday warnings over and over again. It had been a hundred years since its last grunt and at least a thousand years since its last significant activity so it wasn't like you could go around the neighborhood interviewing people on its past misbehavior. So they hypothesized, and extrapolated, and generally made fools of themselves (funny how some things never change).

Soon enough a crack appeared in the side of the mountain and steam began to rise. I think that everyone was expecting some sort of symmetry with a nice v-shaped cloud coming from the very tippy-top. No matter, it was still cause to celebrate and speculate on.

The local news outfits from Seattle and Portland made routine over-flights displaying video of the growing "bump" that was growing from the initial crack. Endless conjecture took place as to the inevitability of an eruption. Over the days and weeks the certainty of an eruption became clear and the speculation turned to how soon and how big. Since the mountain wasn't as closely situation to population centers as Mt. Rainier is the deciders decided not to decide about much of any mitigation plans.

It was about this point when someone asked the question, "What about Harry?" Harry Truman was an old codger who lived in the shadow of Mt. St. Helen's. He was one in a long line of grouchy old farts who didn't so much speak as he did bark. When the sheriff's department showed up at Harry's place to escort him out Harry told the deputy to go chase himself. A little drama quickly grew out of his refusal to leave and ultimately Harry perished when the mountain blew.

They also couldn't keep people off the mountain and once the people had become used to the notion of living next to a live volcano they became complacent and nonchalant about the whole thing. State authorities had set up a "red zone" and restricted (as best they could) people from the area. Residents who had been evacuated desperately wanted access back to their property.

At 08:32 on Sunday morning, May 18, 1980 the mountain blew its top. I don't remember how many atomic bombs it was equivalent to but it shook the earth for thousands of miles around it.



57 lives were lost that morning, some residents, some sight-seers, many scientists who had flocked to the mountain to examine a once~in~a~lifetime event.

Here is a link to an A&E presentation that I thought pretty good:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fArB5Jz2wos