Author Topic: Tools and Their Uses  (Read 632 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Online fordguy_85

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 256
Tools and Their Uses
« on: January 13, 2016, 01:56:12 PM »
Tools and their uses

Drill press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock from your hand so that it smacks you in the chest which causes you to fling your drink across the room splattering it all over that freshly varnished piece of heirloom furniture that you are drying.

Wire wheel: Removes paint from bolts and then throws them under the workbench at the speed of light. Also useful for removing fingerprints and hard earned guitar playing calluses.

Electric drill: Normally used to spin pop-rivets in their holes till you die of old age.

Circular saw: Portable tool used to make boards too short.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads, Sometimes used in the forming of blood blisters.

Belt sander: An electric tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hack saw: One of a family of cutting tools that transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion.

Vice grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Table saw: A large stationary power tool used for launching wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic floor jack: Used for lowering your car to the ground after installing new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Eight foot long pine 2 X 4: Used for levering your car up off a hydraulic jack handle.

Tweezers: Used for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

Radial arm saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used in most shops to scare neophytes into another line of work.

2 ton engine hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 X 24 inch screwdriver: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip opposite the handle.

Aviation metal snips: See hacksaw.

Phillips screwdriver: Normally used for opening old style oil cans. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

Straight screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Can also be used to convert slotted screws into non-removable screws.

Hammer: Originally used as an implement of war, hammers are nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

Hose cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Pry bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surroundong that clip or bracket you were removing to replace that 50 cent part.
Eric Morgan
"Can the liberties of a nation be secure when we have removed the conviction that these liberties are the gift of God?" - Thomas Jefferson

"Opinions and instructions do not outmatch the Constitution. Against it, they are void." - Calvin Coolidge

Offline AmericanPatriot

  • Conservative Hero
  • ****
  • Posts: 2183
Re: Tools and Their Uses
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2016, 03:38:10 PM »
:)

Online Pandora

  • Administrator
  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 17138
  • I iz also makin a list. U on it pal.
Re: Tools and Their Uses
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2016, 04:27:46 PM »
Quote
Tweezers: Used for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

Gunsmith uses a wire wheel in the garage .... not far from the workout area.  Soooo, I have had to, on occasion, pick the wires out of my clothing and from the bottom of my sneaker:  "whut ... the .... helllll .... is catching on the ru---- .  Oh."   ::saywhat::

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." - Mark Twain

"Let us assume for the moment everything you say about me is true. That just makes your problem bigger, doesn't it?"

Offline AlanS

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 7484
  • Proud Infidel
Re: Tools and Their Uses
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2016, 04:38:55 PM »
Been there, done that, used the t-shirt as a rag to clean up the mess.
"Malo periculosam, libertatem quam quietam servitutem."

Thomas Jefferson

Offline warpmine

  • Conservative Hero
  • ****
  • Posts: 3248
Re: Tools and Their Uses
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2016, 06:28:22 AM »
 Figging bar: Idiot stick because even the idiot on the crew can operate it. Used for leverage, weight and every other job that tou may not have the correct tool.
Remember, four boxes keep us free:
The soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.

Offline Libertas

  • Conservative Superhero
  • *****
  • Posts: 45513
  • Alea iacta est! Libertatem aut mori!
Re: Tools and Their Uses
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2016, 07:19:27 AM »
The adjustable spanner - an adjustable wrench used for loosening different sized bolts that has a habit of obtaining just a smidgen of slack at just the exact moment your knuckles are near something hard and/or sharp...the quintessential bloody-knuckle maker...a must have for any serious tool collection.

The come-along - an indispensable tool for bringing two stubborn elements together as well as generating blisters, scrapes and various assorted inflictions and occasional cursing.

But my favorite - the post driver - if you are going to get a blister anyway and want the satisfaction of driving t-posts into the ground there is nothing more satisfying that slamming one of these babies...good cardio workout too...best employed when in a foul mood, amazing how many posts you can drive into the earth when you're a bit feisty.
Irrumabo!  GOP? - Nope. No more. They made their bed, now let them die in it.*
* © Libertas (H/T Glock32)