I am reading from a prepared statement:
I have just learned that an automobile rammed into a gate bordering the White House earlier today. I also heard that the same car then proceeded tp drive down Pennsylvania Avenue towards the Capital building and that shots rang out. At first, I thought that someone had made a mistake and that loud bells were ringing out. But it turned out to be shots, as from a gun, that were doing the ringing out.
How, uhm...grateful and, uhh..happy I am that no prominent politicians were hurt, injured, maimed, bruised, battered, scuffed up, made to pee in their pants or otherwise snuffed or, uhm...worse . What a, er...tragedy it would have been had we lost, or even come close to losing, any of the dauntless leaders currently steering this country over an economic, cultural and political cliff. I wish them all a fate commensurate with the job they are doing for the citizenry of this country and would be highly annoyed if I ever had to appropriate a one-off box of tissues for the sole purpose of tear shedding for this sorry lot of petulant children playing Russian Roulette with our economy.
So I guess I will keep on praying...
That is all
(Disclaimer: Since I am not a Muslim, this statement cannot be considered to be an example of Takkiya; #IjustWantedToMakeThatClear))